| Dead Men Don't Throw Rice
Summary from official site, www.duesouth.com via Wayback Machine Fraser takes on a dangerous assignment as an undercover corpse in a funeral home, in order to search for the missing body of a mob victim. Meanwhile, Francesca decides to marry her mysterious boyfriend. Fraser and Ray are helping the Feds guard a star witness in a trial against mob boss Nick van Zandt. Van Zandt's enemies have been disappearing, but without bodies it's been difficult for the States Attorney to prosecute him. Now with Two Tone Jones as a witness to murder, the trial can finally go ahead. Unfortunately, the Feds lose Two Tone and it's up to Fraser and Ray to find him or, more likely, his body. Fraser and Ray trick two small time gangsters into revealing that Van Zandt disposes of his unwanted evidence through a legitimate funeral home. The Feds and the police have been ordered to stay away from Van Zandt until the trial is over. The only way to find out what's going on is send in an undercover agent. Fraser uses a special technique to slow his heart rate and simulate the appearance of death. To his surprise, he finds himself walking with his father in the "Forest of Near Death," a shadowy borderland between here and eternity. Unaware of the undercover operation, Francesca decides she can't wait for Fraser any longer. She announces she's marrying her mysterious boyfriend. The rumor that Fraser is dead spreads like wildfire and uniform cops, detectives and civilian aides race to the funeral home. It's a standoff between Van Zandt and his men and the cops. Francesca gets the news at her fitting and rushes to the funeral home in her wedding dress. Caught in the nether world, Fraser is powerless until Francesca is taken hostage and cries for help. When the dust clears Francesca decides to rethink her decision to get married. Written by David Cole
Regular Cast
Guest Stars
Unofficial Transcript: Dead Men Don't Throw Rice **A Motel Room** [Fraser and Ray Kowalski are playing Monopoly while guarding a witness. The TV is on in the background] Fraser: Ah, Boston Main Railroad, which I'll buy. Witness: One phone call! Ray: I told you no phones. Witness: I wanna order a pizza. Ray: You had Pizza. Witness: So, I wanna order another pizza. [TV gets louder.] Reporter on TV: ...murder charge against Van Zandt even thought the body of the alleged victim has never been found. Tomorrow the prosecution is expected to wrap up its case with the testimony of a mystery witness. Ray turns off the TV with the remote Witness: Hey! They were just going to talk about me! Ray: I've heard enough talk about you. It's your turn now roll. Witness: I gotta go to the can. Ray: Leave the door open. Witness: I can't go when anyone's watchin'. Ray: If you're pee shy then don't go. Witness: Hey, you know, you guys are drag you know that? How 'bout some women? How 'bout some booze? Ray: Look I told you no women, no booze, no gambling OK? No booze, no women, no gambling. Witness: How about some soda? Get a little crazy! Ray: Yeah Ok I'll grab you a soda from the machine. What's the knock? Fraser: Once, twice, once. Witness: One lousy drink! I could get killed tomorrow. Fraser: You're going to be fine Mr. Jones. You have the full protection of the state of Illinois. You'll be relocated with a new identity. Jones: If Van Zandt wants me he'll find me. Fraser: Mr. Van Zandt is going to spend the rest of his life in prison. Jones: And I'll spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder, running down the street like Nuryev in case there's someone behind me. **Hallway** [Ray is returning to the motel room. Two people walk to motel room door. They knock.] **Inside Room** [Dief growls] Jones: I'm dead! [Jones dives under bed, Fraser walks to door. In the hallway Ray runs up to two people and tackles then in through the now open doorway] Ray: Chicago PD! Stay down! Fraser: Ah. Special Investigator Handler. Handler: Put that psycho on a leash. What the hell do you think you're doing?! Ray: What the hell do you think you're doing? Fraser: You are actually an hour early. Ray: Not to mention the secret knock of which there was none. Fraser: There seems to be no harm done. Handler: Jones still in one piece? Fraser: He is.. Handler: Well consider yourself relieved. Other Agent: You ought to try decaf Vecchio. Huh? **Hallway** Ray and Fraser walking out. Ray: Are you hungry? Fraser: Well, I suppose I could.. [Dief growls] ... he wasn't talking to you. Ray: I'll call Vittorrios, hand me my phone. Fraser: Your phone? Ray: Yeah. Fraser: I don't have your phone. Ray: Jones! [They head back to the room and do the knock] Handler: [From inside] Yeah? Ray: Vecchio. [Door opens] Where's Jones? Other Agent: He's in the can. Ray: Open up. [Hear breaking glass. Ray forces door open and they see a broken window and no sign of Jones] **Outside Van Zandt's** [Jones knocks on delivery entrance. Two men come out] Thug: Well, Two Tone Jones. [Pats him down] He's clean. Come on. Nick's waiting. **Inside** Jones: Thanks for seeing me Nick. I'm sure we'll be able to straighten out his misunderstanding. Me, testify against you! No way! Nick Van Zandt: [Has gun] That's correct. **Outside** [Man walking hears 2 gunshots] **Ray's Car** Ray: Fraser this makes no sense. Why would he go to Van Zandt? He'd kill him. Fraser: I admit it's something of a long shot, but it is possible that Mr. Jones is looking to negotiate a deal. [They pull up outside Van Zandt restaurant. There's a car further down struggling to get started] Ray: That phone cost me 200 bucks. [Car pulls away. Can hear Sirens. Squad cars and Agents pull up] Fraser: Well. I see we're not the only ones with this idea. Handler: That's far enough gentlemen. It's still my operation. [To other agent] Sort some men around the back. Agent: Alright. [To uniformed police officer] Take a couple round back. Handler: Your presence won't be necessary. Ray: Oh that's rich. They lose the witness and our presence won't be necessary. Hmm. Love that! **Funeral Home** Man1: Oh man! You've got to be kidding. [To his friend in the car that was outside the restaurant] He says that no-one's even seen Digger for a couple of days. Man2: Now what the hell we going to do? Man1: Aw man. Would you look at this! [Legs pop out from boot.] You got to be kidding me! Man2: How we supposed to get rid of a body without Digger? Man1: I don't know. Just let me think a minute. **Squad Room** Welsh: [To Fraser and Ray] Oh yeah! The excrement is just about to hit the air conditioning. The officers who raided Van Zandt restaurant could not come up with any evidence that Jones was there. [To someone else] Pass these out. [To all detectives] The States Attorneys Office has lost its Star Witness the night before he was supposed to testify. Now they lost him. It's our job to find him. [Phone rings. He taps it] Miss Vecchio. Frannie: Oh. Bruno's fine meats. Err.. Squad Room. Welsh: .....the cars to keep a lookout for Jones. But I think the probabilities of him still being vertical are slim to none. Ray: Stupid bastard. Frannie: Hey Ray! Where's Fraser? Ray: Hmm, let me think. He's right there! [Point to right in front of her.] Frannie: Oh. Welsh: [To another detective] Fill me in on this Johnson case. Det: I went by his crib but he was already in the wind. Slipped with his two, Shorty and his main squeeze. I'm vibing that he plays for the boys. Welsh: OK Stay on it. It's an important case. Fraser: Ray, do you recall that car we saw last night at Van Zandt's Restaurant? Ray: It's a large street Fraser, we passed a lot of cars. Fraser: Well this one was particularly............ [They walk off and a policewoman walks to Frannie carrying a bunch of flowers] Policewoman: These just arrived for you. So who are they from? Frannie: Oh, they're just ah, from um, somebody I ah, well nobody really knows I know him you know. It's not 'cause I'm ashamed because I'm not. He's actually very very handsome, and gorgeous actually, is what he is. Ah, it's just that I, I kinda liked someone before um, and I just can't even believe that I liked this person [laughs] because I am so not interested in this person anymore as a matter of fact I just I think I have to go to the bathroom. [Starts to cry and rushes out] [Dief follows Frannie with flowers, Ray and Fraser come back] Fraser: The car I'm referring to Ray, is a bronze 1984 LTD Crown Victoria with bodyfiller over the wheel weld, mismatching snow tires. RCW 139. Stalled at the intersection. Now it was reported stolen two hours ago. Ray: What does this have to do with anything? Fraser: It could be a coincidence I suppose. Could be. **Yard** Man1: No, no, no. It was actually stolen last night. I just, just didn't notice it until this morning. Fraser: Excuse me. It's probably just me but if you only noticed the car missing three hours ago, how can you be sure it was stolen last night. Man1: Er, right, right. The thing is I er, I was going to go out to the store late last night for some milk and er, cookies but I, you know I just I didn't...the car wasn't there. I just don't remember. I remember now, but I just didn't notice it at the time. Ray: Didn't think of it at the time. What are you saying, so the car somehow er, lost it's molecular integrity. Man1: No. I er, I just didn't see the car so I figured well, maybe somebody borrowed it. Ray: Isn't the truth of the matter that you used the car this morning in the commission of a felonious act, and now you've only reported it stolen to absolve yourself of any responsibility or connection to said vehicle? Man1: What? Fraser: That's a beautiful paragraph. Ray: Thank you. [The car is driven into the yard by the other man] Fraser: That's the car. Ray: Hey! [Handcuffs other man to car he was working on.] Man1: Is that completely necessary? Ray: Imperative. Man2: [In stalled car] Oh no! Ray: Hold it! Public service announcement, please buckle up for safety. Out of the car. Come on. Fraser I'm out of cuffs. Fraser: Dief watch him! [Looks in boot] I think these minute specks will likely prove to be blood. Man2: I've never seen him before in my life. Ray: Who? Man2: I don't know. **Precinct** Welsh: Lab boys can't promise us anything on the blood for at least
24 hours.
Handler: Well we found the gun in Van Zandt driver's room. Recently fired. Fraser: If we could that gun to a bullet in Mr. Jones body, then you should be able to convince the chauffeur to testify against Mr. Van Zandt. Handler: That's right. So we've got to get those two rocket scientists you brought in to cough up the bodies. Ray: Hang on a second. Where's your buddy? Handler: He's working on them now. Ray: Working on them? That's my collar! My collar! Welsh: Settle down detective. Handler: Hey! You can handle the interrogation but I want everything, every word. Fraser: Understood. Ray. **Holding Cell** Agent: Look Van Zandt is implicated in the disappearance and presumed murder of at least nine men over the last two years! No what the hell's he doing the bodies huh? You're going to talk! I can throw you back in the general population and spread the word that you ratted out Van Zandt. How long do you think you're going to last? A day? An hour maybe? How long? Ray: All right. That's it. Beat it. Agent: What? Ray: You want me to open up a can of whoop-ass on you? Fraser: Ray, Ray, RAY. Please. This is just a jurisdictional issue. I'm sure it can be sorted out with an appropriate dispute resolution mechanism much like the recent Canadian softwood lumber dispute. [Shows agent out.] Ray: You guys OK? Want a soda or something? Man1: Yeah. Man2: Sodas would be great. Ray: [To guard] Er, Miller, can you get these guys a soda? Don't give me that look! Um, and let them go to the can, and bring them to 1 and 2. Thanks. **Squad Room** Frannie: [On phone] No, Atlantic City's good. No really, it's, it's good, I,I love nature. [Man on phone says something in German] Um, listen, I have to go. [He says something else about not knowing any English.] Me too. Bye. Welsh: Blood in the car was type O-positive. Handler Two tone Jones is O-positive. Fraser: Unfortunately so are 1, 940,000 people in the Greater Chicago area. **Interview Room** Man1: Look, I can't say anything OK. I can't. It's a personal safety issue. Ray: Look I understand that. All I'm saying is you give me something that I can verify independently. You know, then you don't have to get involved in this, and I'll put the word out on the street that you were the toughest hardcase I've ever had the displeasure of dealing with. Man1: Really? Ray: Absolutely. I burnt you with cigarettes, I er, beat you with phone books, I punctured your spleen with an ice-pick. Never cracked once. Man1: I don't know nothing. I'm sorry. Ray: Ira, don't think your doing yourself any favors here. Ira: Hmm, yeah. **Other interview room** Fraser: I see you've hurt your fingers. Man2: Yeah, I er, I burned 'em with a cutting torch. At work. Fraser: [produces salve from pocket.] You should rub some of this on it'll help to prevent blistering. Man2: Ah, thanks. Fraser: It's Lichen and Elk horn in a base of sea cucumber. I've often used it myself when I've had, well when I've hurt my fingers. Ice burns. One time I'd fallen in a crevasse while I was pursuing a rouge taxidermist across a glacial field. Man2: Whoa! Fraser: I'd lost my gloves, I had to pull myself up 600 feet using only my bare hands. [Door opens, Frannie walks in] Frannie: Fraser we have to talk. Fraser: Francesca, this is something of an awkward time. Man2: Er, you should never put work before relationships, that's, that's what's wrong with the world today. Frannie: Yeah, he's right Fraser. You know sometimes we get so caught up in our jobs, that er, well, we forget the things that are really important. Man2: She's right. Frannie: Thank you, or maybe we just, we're just afraid to say what we really feel for er, lots of different reasons. Man2: Fear of rejection. Frannie: OK shut up! Can you step outside? Fraser: Um, excuse me. Man2: Ok. **Corridor** Frannie: Er, Fraser, um, this isn't going to work between us. Fraser: It isn't? Frannie: Well no, how could it? Fraser: Well I'm not sure what..... Frannie: Fraser, Fraser, please, please, don't beg. OK. I don't wanna remember you this way. Fraser: Francesca, I'm not.. I'm a little... Frannie: Fraser you have to face the wall. Fraser: Alright. [He turns to face the wall] Frannie: Look, I, I understand that, you know, this, this may come as a bit of a shock. No, Fraser! The wall, you have to face the wall of reality. Fraser: Oh! Ha! Frannie: I'm getting married. Fraser: You're getting married? Frannie: Yeah, look I know this is a bit of a shock, and you're probably a little.....shocked! But, ah, take heart OK! 'Cause I, I'm sure that one day you're going to meet someone, and she's probably going to be a, a mountain climber, or a snowmobile repair person, and you're going to be happy too! You know, I mean for my part it's not going to be that easy, because, ours is going to be a mixed marriage. I'm catholic and he's er, he's, he's one of those other religions. So. Well, I hope we can still be friends. Fraser: Oh yes, of course. I'm very happy for you. It's wonderful news. Frannie: Good. Oh God! [Runs off crying.] **Ray's car** Ray: Francesca's getting married? Who'd marry that? Fraser: Ray! Francesca's a delightful, attractive, intelligent young woman. Ray: I know, Fraser. But you're talking every day! Fraser: True enough! [Pull up outside factory. Reads side of lorry.] Eskimo shipping. Ray: So you think the body's going to be here? Fraser: Well Vince worked here a year ago and Mr. Van Zandt is a partner in the business. Ray: So I guess if you had a body you'd have to keep it on ice else it'd be getting pretty funky by now! Fraser: Shall we? Dief care to join us? Ray: Eskimo shipping. That's funny 'cause when I was a kid, we had these Eskimo pies. Fraser: You know Ray the term Eskimo itself is sort of derogatory, it's kind of like the tomahawk chop or the Atlanta braves fans or Chief Wahoo of the Cleveland Indians. Ray: You know not what you speak because Chief Wahoo is a cartoon. [Hear sirens. Handler and co. pull up outside] Ray: Come on! This is getting ridiculous! Handler: I'll take it from here Vecchio. Agent: She's a bit of a control freak, sorry. Ray: Maybe you can get the sirens turned up so people in Pittsburgh didn't hear you coming. Agent: I'll run that by her. **Inside Eskimo Shipping** Agent: Nothing! Everything's clean. Handler: Alright, we're going to stop and search everyone of their trucks! Van Zandt: Hey! Hey! What do you think you're doing on my property? Huh? This is police harassment Arthur, you sue these bastards! Arthur: I'm on it. Nicholas, I'm on it. Handler: Every truck, understood? Agent: Understood? Van Zandt: You're finished. Arthur: Alright, Nicholas, Nicholas I'm on it! Van Zandt: You're finished! When I get through with you! [Agents leave.] Arthur: Nicholas, Nicholas! Please! [On phone]Yeah, this is Arthur Vole attorney to Nicolas Van Zandt. Van Zandt: How do you come onto my property without a warrant? You got a warrant? Arthur: I'd like to see Judge Gorman in his chambers as soon as possible to help to put an end to this police harassment of this innocent man at once. Hello? Yes, we're on our way. All right thanks. [Hangs up.] Let's go Nick. Van Zandt: [To another employee] You find Digger! I don't care if his mother is on an island. Drag him away from the death bed, and get him over to that funeral home you hear me? Arthur: Nicholas, listen to me! As you attorney I can't hear this! Van Zandt: So put your hands over your ears Counselor! [He does so.] What the hell am I supposed to do with Jones's body huh? Use it for a paper weight? If Digger isn't at the funeral home to take care of Jones' body, there's going to be somebody at the funeral home to take care of his. You hear me? [To Arthur] Come on! What are standing there like an idiot with your hands over your ears for God's sake! Come on! **Precinct** Welsh: Anything on those refrigerator trucks? Dewey: Nothin'. You wanna know something? Dead cows are disgusting! Huey: Maybe you should go vegetarian. Dewey: I'd rather eat the truck. Handler: Hey guys! Sonofabitch! I can't believe it! Judge Gorman granted Van Zandt the injunction. I can't even go near the man 'til after the trial. Welsh: If we don't find the body pretty quick it's going to be a short trial. Fraser: It strikes me, that someone as meticulous as Mr. Van Zandt couldn't have disposed of 9 bodies in a haphazard manner. He must have had some kind of disposal system. Welsh: Good so far, but do you have any idea what kind of system? Dewey: Hey! Why don't we just wail on those 2 morons we got downstairs? Ray: Forget about it. They just lawyered up bigtime. Joel Flatman, I believe, he works for Arthur Vole, Van Zandt's lawyer. Welsh: He's rubbing out noses in it! Does Van Zandt still operate out of the restaurant on Dupont? Dewey: Oh yeah, the foccacia bread's fantastic there. You know they use a tiny daub of nut vinegar or something....... Welsh: I want somebody there 24 hours a day. I want photos of everyone who comes in and goes out. Huey: Whoa, whoa! You're talking hundreds of people here. Van Zandt's is a very happening spot. Dewey: Their lunches, y'know reasonably priced, large portions. Welsh: We need somebody on the inside. Detective Vecchio! Ray: Yes sir. Welsh: Pick someone as a cover. Frannie: I'll do it. Welsh: Miss Vecchio, this is police work, it could be dangerous. Frannie: Well, I want to do it. Fraser: Francesca, the lieutenant's right. Frannie: Shut up Fraser! Fraser: As you wish. Welsh: You're getting married. Frannie: Well, then call it a wedding present OK? Let's go Ray. I can buy. **Van outside the restaurant** [Dewey gets into the van after going to get take out from the restaurant. Huey is taking pictures] Dewey: Ah! Smells good huh? Huey: I can't believe that you're doing this. Dewey: I always get take-out from them. They'd get suspicious if I didn't. Huey: Mm. It does smell good. Dewey: Told you. Huey: See Vecchio in there? Dewey: Yeah. They're along the isle. **Inside the restaurant** Ray: Anything? Frannie: Huh? Ray: Anything? Frannie: I don't know. I don't know if I should have the salad, if I should have something.... Ray: No, no. See anything? Frannie: Oh! No. Let me ask you something. How can someone be so smart, how can a person know something so useless like how much a pound of nails weighs on Pluto, but they have no idea what's going on under their own noses? Ray: Noses? Frannie: Nose. Ray: We talking about Fraser here? Frannie: Fraser! [laughs] No! That's ridiculous. See how funny that is! I have, I have no interest in Fraser. Waiter: Have you decided? Ray: Um... I'm having trouble deciding between the Tie Domi and the Teemu Selanne. Waiter: The Esa Tikkanen's fresh. Ray: The Esa Tikkanen's fresh. OK. Frannie: Yeah, I'll have the Es,.... Give me the same. Hey, I think there's some guy that knows you. [A man from the shipping yard strides towards them] Fraser: Sir, excuse me. I wonder if you could help me. Is the Pavel Bure steamed or baked? Man3: Ah, it's er, a roasted saddle of salmon, with um, those petites
lardons.
Man3: Well, it's not. [looks round, Ray and Frannie have left] **Squad room** Welsh: [Shouting from his office to Ray] Come on detective! Let's see those photos! Ray: [to Fraser] You know how much a pound of nails weighs on Pluto? Fraser: Well of course Ray. It's the same as a pound of cheese. 6.4 oz. Ray: OK. OK. But er, you know what's right under your nose? [They go inside the office] Ray: [puts photos on Welsh's desk] Read 'em and weep. Welsh: Oh good. [sees one of Dewey] Oh, this is sweet. Perhaps later we'll have a little seminar on surveillance techniques and procedures. Dewey: I can't believe you took the pictures. Huey: He said everybody! Dewey: No he didn't say everybody. Welsh: Look, we'll separate them out. Put the normal citizens on the left, connected goombahs on the right. Ray: Here's Little Moe Angelo, I thought he was in Joliet. Maybe he's connected. Dewey: Oh! Look at this. Tony Orlando. Fraser: You think the singer is involved? Dewey: Wash your mouth Fraser! Ray: Goombah! Welsh: Let's get to work, see what we come up with. Ray: Goombah! Dewey: This could take weeks! Ray: Maybe not. **Holding Cell** [Two police officers throw a violent prisoner into the cell next to the two men] Prisoner: Hey! You're the guys who ratted out Van Zandt. Man2: Who's Van Zandt? Prisoner: Yes you are! You'll be 2 ?stoolies? man. When I get hold of you I'm going to rip your head off. You're dead meat! Man1: I don't have to put up with this! [The prisoner grabs him through the bars.] Hey! Hey! There's a freak in here! Get us out. [2 uniformed officers burst in along with Ray] Man1: Get him off me! [Ray and the other officers drag the violent prisoner out] Ray: Come on! Prisoner: Police Brutality! Man1 : That guy's crazy! That's going to happen to us everyday. Fraser: You know gentlemen, I certainly don't want to impose my feelings here, or my thoughts. In fact, I think that most people are entitled to make their own decisions, indeed make their own mistakes, but um, ... Ray: However, if your thoughts are running..... Fraser: However, if your thoughts are running in the direction of Police protection I can assure you that the Chicago Police Department has an excellent plan with many um... Ray: Side benefits..... Fraser: Side benefits. Man1: Thanks. [Squad room] Man2: [Shown a picture] Ah! Now he's back in town. Ray: Who is he? Man2: Tommy Gallant. They call him Digger. Works at the funeral home that Van Zandt's got a piece of over on er Fourth? Man1: Yeah, Fourth. Oh man! [sees the violent prisoner n the squad room putting his shoulder holster on and wearing a badge] You ratted out Van Zandt and now we're dead, we're dead men. You tricked us! **Squad Room, later** Fraser: [talking to Dief, Frannie walks in and hears] You know my Grandmother always said nothing good can come of lying, perhaps she was right. It's justice but at what price? [Dief whines] You can't be serious! Frannie: Hi Frase! Fraser: Francesca. Frannie: Do you need to talk? Fraser: That, that might be helpful. Frannie: OK. Fraser: I er, I lied, to someone. And at the time I thought it was for their own good, but who's to judge what is good for another? Frannie: Well, um, perhaps it's time for you to tell that person, how you really feel. Fraser: I think it's gone beyond what I feel. Frannie: Oh, no Fraser! It's never too late to go back. Fraser: Even if there's jeopardy involved? Frannie: Especially if. Just say what you really feel Benton. Fraser: I lied. Frannie: I knew it! Fraser: And it might serve justice... Frannie: Justice? Fraser: .....but it will compromise the lives of 2 men. Frannie: Men?! Men! I er, I don't believe this! We're not even on the same page! You know I used to always think that, that you were like this, this genius, either that or some complete idiot! Now, I've just realized that you can't even see your nose and it's past your face! [they've drawn a crowd by this point] Oh, Oh yeah. Oh honor, duty, what else can you hide behind Fraser? If you just, if you just can't get out of your little toy, kitty, life, well just get out of your car! [She storms off, the crowd oohs and ahs for a bit then disperses. Dief whines] Fraser: Maybe, maybe. **Corridor in the station** Handler: Jones is in a funeral home in a coffin under another body. Is that what you're telling me? Welsh: Yep. It's perfectly possible. The body with the bullet is in the coffin with the cadaver. Ray: That's fantastic! Where's the best place to hide a body? In a grave. This guy must have been doing this for years. Handler: How are we going to find this other body? They got a judge on their side. No judge is going to grant us a warrant to go into a funeral home without just cause. We can't get just cause without going into the funeral home. [They enter Welsh's office] Fraser: True, but if by some other means we were able to determine that the body was there, might we not be able to take that information to the judge? Handler: Depends on the means. Ray: Show, show 'em that thing. Fraser: Right I'll need a stethoscope... Welsh: I left mine in my other suit. Fraser: I'll also need a place to lie down..... Ray: I can get you that. Fraser: And I will need the tetrodotoxin from the gland secretions of a bouga toad. [He shows then one in his hand.] **Morgue** [Desk Sergeant is delivering mail to pigeonholes. She opens the door to an examination room] Sgt: Looks dead alright. [She opens the door to an examination room and sees Fraser lying on the table.] Oh my god! Welsh: It's alright Sergeant. [Handler shines a light into Fraser's eyes and checks his pulse ] Ray: Ok Fraser. Come on, let's go. [Clicks his fingers] Come on, let's go! Hey!! [Claps his hands] Fraser, you're freaking me out! Come on! [Fraser blinks and sits up] Fraser: I was really far under. I could hear you Ray, but as though from the bottom of a deep well. Sgt: What is going on? Handler: [Pushes her out.] Nothing you've seen here leaves this room. [to Fraser] How d'you do that? Fraser: Well, with the secretions from the Bouga toad you can control the impulses to the autonomic nervous system, you can slow the EEG and ECG till they're virtually undetectable. Handler: So you can go into this trance on command? Fraser: Well, not exactly no. It takes about 15 minutes to go under and 15 minutes to come out. Handler: How long can you stay under? Fraser: Er, once in a lean-to on the shores of the Nahanni I was under for exactly 36 hours. Ray: Then what happened? Fraser: Well, then I had to....well... Handler; You had to pee Constable? Fraser: Well, yes, I had consumed roughly the equivalent of a dug-out canoe's worth of bark tea. **Squad Room** Fraser: Diefenbaker. Now, no matter what you hear over the next couple of days , don't believe it. I will be alright. You must trust me on this. In the meantime Ray will take care of you. Ray: Hey, Dief buddy! Come on....[Dief runs off after Francesca.] Fraser: Well it would seem he finds her even more attractive now that she's betrothed. Ray: Er...Well.. **Funeral Home** Digger: Mr. Vecchio. You can come in now. I added some body to the hair and some color to the cheeks. Ray: He looks good. Digger: Thanks. Young guy. It's too bad. What is that uniform? Is he an usher? Ray: Doorman. Digger: Oh! Ray: One of the best. Digger: Yes. Ray: Yes. Digger: Yes. Now, this is our Northumbria casket, you said I should pick one. Ray: Yeah. Digger. Now this is slightly more expensive than our El Camino or our Fandango models, but you can feel here, [they do] it's got the extra padding. Ray: Oh yeah, got to be comfortable. He's going to be there a long time. Digger: Now, also, the Northumbria is absolutely airtight. [He shuts the lid.] I thought, since we weren't embalming it was more appropriate for er.. Ray: Longer shelf life. I hear you, but he's er, claustro... was claustrophobic. So, can we keep it open? Digger: Yes, of course. [opens it.] Ray: [crying] Could I have a minute? Digger: Of course. [leaves] Ray: Fraser? They're going to be closing up here in a little while so I got to go. Umm, tell you the truth I thought Hospitals made me nervous, but this place, huh, yikes! OK, I'm babbling. Um, that er, rouge makes you look like a toy soldier! [laughs] Um, OK, alright, I'll see you in the morning. Hey, if you find the body, er, see if he's got my phone. [waves his hands in front of Fraser] Weird. **Squad Room** Ray: Ok Diefenbaker. You're coming home with me. You can't stay here, let's go. [The next bit is seen trough Dief's eyes and ears with subtitles.] Yeah, I know, I know, I know, but. Now I'm having a conversation with the dog. [Dief says put.] **Funeral Home** [Fraser is having some kind of dream, or out of body experience and is walking down a corridor.] Robert Fraser: Where do you think you're going? Fraser: Well, I thought I'd er..... Robert: You don't want that door. Fraser: I don't? Robert: No son. Over here on the left. [He opens a door to a snowy landscape and walks through. His dad is standing there] Fraser: What is this place? Robert: The Neverland. Just think of it as an existential de-militarized zone. Come on, let's go for a walk, I've got to tell you a few things. First of all, being dead is not all it's cracked up to be? **Funeral Parlor** [Digger and Van Zandt walk in] Van Zandt: Who said that? Digger: Said what? Van Zandt: Being dead's not all it's cracked up to be. Who said that? Digger: I don't know. Maybe the stiff we're using. [Indicates to Fraser] Van Zandt: That's a funny one. Hey, this guy looks familiar. Digger: He's a doorman. Van Zandt: Oh yeah, right, yeah. Yeah, at the, the Cheltenham. Nice guy. Good with a door. So when's he going to get planted? Digger: Brother wants him in the ground tomorrow. Van Zandt: Never did like dead guys staring at me. [Closes the coffin lid,] **Squad Room** Sgt: So I'm doing the mail round and I stop in at the morgue, [Dewey walks past] and I see Constable Fraser, yeah, he's the good looking one, anyway, there he is laid out on a slab dead! Well, I, I.... Dewey: Wait a minute. What did you just say? Sgt: About what? Dewey: About Fraser Sgt: Fraser who? Dewey: The guy you said was just dead. The guy in red. Sgt: I don't know what you're talking about. Look Nicki, it's self basting, 350, 1 hour, gotta go. [To Dewey] I gotta go. Dewey: Jack, have you seen Fraser? Huey: Hmm, no. Why? Dewey: I think he might be dead! Huey: Fraser? Dewey: Yeah. Huey: What are you talking about? How can he be dead? Cop/Violent Prisoner: Who's dead? Dewey: Fraser. Cop: Dead? Dewey: Yeah. Huey: We don't know he's dead. Dewey: Well, have you seen him around here lately? Huey: I haven't seen Chelsea Clinton around here but I'm pretty sure she's not dead! [The cop is spreading the news] Dewey: I've got a bad feeling about this Jack. Huey: Vecchio would know. [To cops standing round] Have any of you guys seen Vecchio? Dewey: [At Ray's desk] This is a pig-sty. [Picks up a pad] Huey: Let me see that. Dewey: What, you're some kind of junior G-man now? [Huey rubs pencil onto the pad] Huey: Benjamin and Son funeral home. He can't be dead. **Wedding dress shop** [phone rings] Assistant: Sounds fantastic. Does he have a brother? [Answers phone] Hello? [gives phone to Frannie] It's for you. Frannie: Hello. [listens] My god! [She runs out and nearly gets run over.] Driver: Hey look out! What? You come to your senses or what? **Funeral Home** [Digger is pushing a coffin down the hall] Van Zandt: What the hell are you doing? Digger: We've got the brother coming in. Van Zandt: Well, to hell with the brother. Digger: Mr. Van Zandt, I got a business here. And it's got to appear to be running normally or we draw some heat. Just let me get rid of the brother. **Parking lot outside funeral home** [Ray pulls in. As he and Dief are walking to the entrance Huey and Dewey pull up] Huey: Is it true? Ray: Not great. Huey: Ray, wait! [Running inside, Ray sees the coffin shut and runs to open it.] Ray: Fraser! Fraser! [to Dief] Can he breathe? [Dief whines] Dewey: God, it's true. Huey: I can't believe it. He's like superman. He can't die. **The Neverland** Robert: I'd imagine you have a number of questions you want to ask. Like, is this eternity or just a stopping place? Is death a transition or the end of the line, and if it's the end of the line do I still have to shave? Questions along those lines. Fraser: Yes actually. Robert: Ah well. You're on your own there. Fraser: That's great Dad. That's really enlightening. Robert: You see son, in the borderland all the questions you ask are unique to you, and the answers are yours alone. **Funeral Home** [Everyone from the station and the Consulate has arrived] Dewey: I remember when that kid died, I was so freaked, I couldn't move, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. Fraser told me that story about the moose on the side of the mountain. Ray: [To a Rabbi] He's not Jewish. Huey: He told me that story when my car wouldn't start. Welsh: So the guy only had one story, what, are you going to sue him? [Turnbull cries on Welsh] Ray: [to Fraser] Fraser, I know you're down a deep well, but maybe you could come back for a second and tell me if you found Jones' body. Dewey: Ray. [Ray starts crying] You've got to let him go Ray. Come on, let him go. Ray: I'm good OK. Dewey: OK. Ray: Ray from the material world, it's Ray from the material world. Fraser it's kinda getting out of hand. **The Neverland** Fraser: Let's say I did have a question. One that was unique to me. Where would I go to ask it? Robert: In here son. [Points to Ben's heart.] You ask yourself. Your whole life is in here, compressed into a single point in space and time. So that no matter what direction you step, you're destination is the same. Isn't that fun? This way. Here's where we come to make sense of everything. You never know what life means until you die. One of the Brownings said that. Kurt or Robert, Devaux Browning. In any event, it's death that gives life significance. Fraser: So that door with er, the light behind it, does that mean I'm...? Robert: Dead. No son. Look at this as a coming attraction. You've got a few more obligations to fulfill. *Funeral Home** [Frannie rushes in, sees Fraser and starts crying. Then she picks him up by the pillow and sees the dead body underneath him. She screams loudly.] **The Neverland** [The scream is heard] Robert: [covers his ears.] Ooh! That's never happened before. **Funeral Home** [Turnbull screams too. Then both him and Frannie scream together. Van Zandt and his goons rush in. One of them pulls a gun.] Dewey: Gun! [All the Police Officers pull their guns. The coffin lid shuts. Van Zandt takes Frannie hostage] Welsh: Van Zandt. You've got nowhere to go. Van Zandt's man: What are we going to do? Van Zandt: Shut up! This is what's going to happen. You're all going to lower your guns your gonna give me a clear path. Empty the street, give me a car. Cause if you don't you're gonna to have one dead lady on your hands. From 5, 4, 3... **The Neverland** Fraser: I think someone's in trouble. Robert: That'd be one of your obligations. Fraser: Thanks Dad. Robert: Anytime. Fraser: See you later. **Funeral Home** [Fraser sits up and bursts out of the coffin. Turnbull faints, then Frannie, one by one everyone else faints apart from Ray, Welsh, Handler and the other agent] Welsh: It looks like Jonestown in here. Agent: At least it's quiet. Handler: Way I like it. Phone rings. Ray: Can you get my phone? **Squad Room** Ray: Let's see, three 99 year sentences. So Van Zandt's going to be available for parole in what...? Fraser: 143 years. Ray: Ah. [They leave, Desk Sergeant comes in] Sgt: [to Frannie] Someone to see you at the front. Frannie: Ok thanks. **Front Desk** Frannie: [Walks up to a guy] Hi. German Guy: Hi! Frannie: Um, I'm really glad you're here, cause er, listen, ah, I've been thinking about what happened with us, and er, I just have some issues that I have to deal with. [Get a clear look at him. It's Paul Gross in glasses!] And it has nothing to do with you. I just don't think it's a very good idea that we get married right now. Or at all. German Guy: [In German, with English subtitles] I have no idea what you're saying. Frannie: I know this is difficult, but it's really for the best. German Guy: [In German] As I told you before, I can't speak any English Frannie: English, yes, good, see, it's good, you understand. German Guy: [In German] You Chicago girls are strange. I must go now,
my little pumpkin. Bye.
**End** |