| Starman
Summary from official site, www.duesouth.com via Wayback Machine Compulsive liar Ian MacDonald drags Fraser and Ray into a web of lies and a search for his fiancé, Audrey, who he claims has been abducted by aliens. Ian MacDonald, the fugitive perjurer we first met in "The Man Who Knew Too Little", returns to Fraser and Ray for help. He claims that while he was proposing to Audrey McKenna aliens broke into his motel room and kidnapped her. Needless to say Fraser and Ray have a hard time believing him. Given their horrendous past experience with Ian, Ray wants nothing to do with this guy or his story. But Fraser, giving Ian the benefit of the doubt, convinces Ray to give up his lunch hour to help Ian. Upon arriving in the somewhat off the wall town of Rosewell, Illinois, Fraser and Ray head to the motel where Audrey was supposedly abducted. But there is no sign of an abduction in Ian's motel room, and when Ray discover that Ian has known Audrey for only forty minutes, is sure Ian's making the whole thing up. But evidence at the motel convinces Fraser that Audrey exists and he pushes ahead in his investigation. The ensuing search for Audrey leads them to the military base where she is rumoured to work, but the base's unfriendly Colonel and his staff deny knowing an Audrey McKenna. Fraser recognises that the base is covering something up when he notices a file bearing Audrey's name on the Colonel's desk. Before he can continue to investigate, Ian breaks into the Colonel's office and has them all promptly thrown off the base. Ray, convinced that no woman would want anything to do with Ian, deduces that Audrey just didn't want to see him, and that there is nothing extra-terrestrial going on. Ian, heartbroken, takes off for the base again in his bus determined to find out the truth. Fraser rushes to his aid, hoping onto the back of the bus, riding the rocket on its top through the base's fence and across the tarmac hotly pursued by helicopters. When they break into top secret Hangar 57, Fraser and Ray finally get their questions answered and Ian gets the answer to his interrupted question: "Will you?" Written by Frank Siracusa
Regular Cast
Guest Stars
BOB - R. D. Reid
SOLDIER #1 - Michael Blake
Unofficial Transcript Starman [A motel room. there is a clock and as we watch it flicks from 11:10 to 11:11. The radio is playing and the song that is playing is 'Have I told you lately that I love you?'] Ian[to Audrey who's in the bathroom]: Audrey, Have I told you lately that I love you. Audrey: What? Ian: Because I do and a woman as precious as you as gentle as you should be cherished and nurtured like a hot house flower, protected and preserved in the delicate warmth of her own humidity. Audrey: What? Ian: HUMIDITY. Audrey: Oh I'll turn on the fan. Ian: Because when you love a woman I mean when you really love a woman, that's what you do, because that's what you should do. So will ya? Audrey [coming out of the bathroom]: Will I what? Ian: Will you marry me. Audrey: I huh? [Ian puts the ring on her finger] Ian: Till death do us part! Audrey: I am I Ian: Audrey! [Ian kisses her and there is a massive bright light in the door way] Audrey: NO! Man in doorway: The signal! Audrey: No no I need more time. Man in doorway: Passenger 220, Andromida Audrey: They're here? Ian: Who's here, get the hell out of here. Audrey: I have got to go, I can't explain. Ian: No wait, what do you mean? Audrey: I'm sorry I Ian: No no, take me I'm the dominant species. Audrey: Ian! Ian: Argh! Audrey: Ian Ian! [Do-ma-ahh] [27th district. Ray and Ben are walking down the stairs towards the bullpin] Fraser: So I have your word. Vecchio: Yes Fraser: And you promise. Vecchio: I said I promise. Fraser: Very good let's say you had helped someone and then you swore you would never help them ever again. Vecchio: This is a hypothetical question right? Fraser: All right Ray, sure. Vecchio: OK Fraser: OK well let's say this hypothetical person had not been entirely honest with you, well as a matter of fact he, all right he was a pathological liar but he had helped you and in doing so had not helped you, so to speak. Vecchio: Do you mind telling me which one of your friends we are talking about here? Fraser: Well I thought we'd agreed this was a hypothetical situation we were talking about. Vecchio: Oh that bad huh? Fraser: Unfortunately. Now do you think you could find it in you r heart to help him again? Vecchio: Well what specifically did this friend of yours do.. Fraser: Ours. Ours. Vecchio: OK what specifically did this friend of ours do that I would never help him again? Fraser: Let's just say he ruined your vacation, then he caused you to be attacked by Canadian mobsters which in turn caused you to shoot and explode your car until it was a seething fire ball, hypothetically. Vecchio: No no no no Fraser: There's no... Vecchio: NO Cop#1: Amazing friend you've got Fraser, I mean how many guys would run a marathon around the world to raise money for an orphanage in China. Cop#2: 250 000 miles his feet bleeding, his heart fit to burst, just to buy some poor Chinese kids a wide screen TV Cop#1: And a Dumbo video. Cop#2: You've got to love a guy who loves Dumbo. Vecchio: Ian, Ian McDonald, don't tell me this man is here because if he is I'm going to have to take out my gun and shoot myself. Ian: Hi guys, am I glad to see you! Vecchio: On second thoughts I'm going to shoot him. Fraser: Ray Ray you promised. Vecchio: That was hypothetically Fraser: He needs help Vecchio: NO Fraser: Ray, it will take 10 seconds and a person's life may depend upon it. Vecchio: Look. Fraser: Ray just because someone feels compelled to lie it doesn't mean there isn't a grain of truth in there somewhere and I'm fairly certain that he did intent to go to China. Vecchio: 2 seconds. Fraser: All right thank you. Ian tell him. Ian: My fiancée has been abducted by aliens. Vecchio [attacking Ian]: ARGHHHH Ian: Fine don't believe me then. Vecchio: I don't Ian: I'm telling the truth Vecchio: Truth? You don't even know how to spell the word. Ian: T.R.U.T.H. Vecchio: Do I need to remind you what happened the last time we went for a ride with this clown. We were in a bar room shoot out, there was mud up to here and we were in a massive car chase and then he stole my car. Ian: Borrowed it Fraser: And he did return it Vecchio: Yes just in enough time for me to blow it up to save his sorry butt. Now you should have let me strangle him Ian: It wouldn't have worked the aliens put a protective force field around me. Fraser: Ray wait we should at least hear him out. Vecchio: Why what good will it do. He'll only tell us a bunch of lies and you'll believe him and the next thing you know we're going to be driving around in circles dodging bullets. Ian: See that would never have happened if you'd let me drive. Vecchio: Oh shut up. Fraser: You know Ray, every piece of the puzzle that doesn't fit, it just gets us closer to finding that piece of the puzzle that does. Vecchio: Well thank you grasshopper but I have other business to attend to. Ian [to guy with a lie detector]: You're late, the suspect's heart beat is probably way to high by now this thing's useless. Go and get me a bucket of ice, a wet towel and three jars of tomato juice. I'll make this man talk if it's the last thing I do... GO man go... there's no time to lose. [Interrogation room] Vecchio: Where's my suspect Ian: He confessed. I sent his file to the state's attorney and put him in holding. Vecchio: You impersonated a cop? Ian: You certainly weren't doing a very good job. Vecchio: all right that's it Fraser, this guys got some serious problems. He's probably skipped bail and is here illegally. I'm going to arrest him. Fraser: Ray, come on, at the very least-- Vecchio: At the very least we put him on a bus back to Winnipeg, notify immigration and we do everyone a favor, he's talking aliens for God's sakes. Fraser: Well I agree he exaggerates but there may be some truth to what he's saying. Let's take the cut on his forehead for example. Vecchio: Oh, He slipped in the bathroom. Fraser: I'm not sure. The presence of minute paint particles along with the traces of wood. The cut, the abrasion. Vecchio: Wood? Fraser: Wood, cheap particle board would be my guess and judging from the angle he made contact with a low lying piece of furniture perhaps a dresser. Vecchio: All right he tripped in the bedroom. Fraser: Well that is possible but that would be an assumption which is not all together different from his exaggeration if you follow what I am saying and if we don't investigate we will never be certain. Vecchio: Of course we will Fraser: Never judge a book by it's cover Ray. Vecchio: Never judge a book by it's cover? Nobody says that anymore Fraser. Fraser: My grandmother did. Vecchio: Oh I knew she was behind this. Fraser: Behind what? Vecchio: Oh never mind. Fraser: Never mind what? Vecchio: That your grandmother's behind this. Fraser: You make no sense Ray. Ian[from behind glass]: I'm ready, I'm ready. Vecchio: This guys a moron. Fraser: You wont regret this Ray Vecchio: I already am [interrogation room] Vecchio: OK OK I'm going to give you my lunch hour. you got 60 minutes of my time to waste and that's all. Now let's go. Ian: You haven't interrogated me yet. Vecchio: Don't push your luck just unhook yourself from that machine and lets go. Fraser: Err Ray, we're all set up here, shall we? All right, please state your name. Ian: My name is Ian McDonald. Fraser: And what do you do for a living? Ian: I operate a touring business out of Ontario. We take Canadians through the United States on sight seeing tours which is actually where I met Audrey, The minute I saw here it was magic, like summer lightning. I knew, I knew the moment I saw here that this was the woman I was going to spent the rest of my life with. Fraser: Yes I'm sure she was but before Detective Vecchio changes his mind,, Ian: You should have seen the look on her face when I gave her the ring, it was my mother's ring, the minute it slipped on her finger her eyes lit up like a child at Christmas Vecchio: You want to get to the point please? Ian: She has blue eyes just like my mother. Vecchio: And out of the blue she was abducted. Ian: Yes there was a bright light I couldn't see a thing: we were on the way to the wedding. We'd stopped off for coffee. Audrey's father the Dowge of Venice had flown in from Switzerland for the ceremony. the guest's strictly A list, Strictly. Frank, Stallone, Sinatra, Bogart. Vecchio: Look this is useless this guy couldn't tell the truth if his life depended on it. Bogart's been dead for twenty years Ian: Frank Bogart his younger brother. Vecchio: Look give me a blunt object I'm going to put him out of his misery. Ian: Oh yeah try it my father in law gave me diplomatic immunity. Fraser: This is very interesting Ray. Vecchio: What? Fraser: Well it would appear that there was a girl. Ian: Ha see. Vecchio: Shut up. Fraser: And although she may not have been abducted by aliens according to this she was abducted. Of course I suppose we could choose to ignore it. Vecchio: No let's call the FBI. I can't wait to see the expression on Agent Ford's face when he gets a load of this wacko. Fraser: Yes you're right, he won't take the wacko seriously either. Although he might find this interesting. Ian: Oh it's a Bee Sting the Eraptor bogart killer bees, hundreds of them Vecchio: Oh thousands I'm sure. Ian: I think the stinger's still in there. Fraser: It appears to be infected. GREAT SCOTT TURTLES... Ian: Turtles? ARGH POLICE BRUTALITY... Fraser: I have removed it. Vecchio: I see. Ian: I expected better of you Sir. Fraser: Sit down. Ian: I'm calling the Hague. Fraser [Nodding towards the door]: Shall we. Ian: As a political prisoner I demand that you people guarantee my safety under the Geneva convention. [Outside the room] Vecchio: So what was with the turtles. Fraser: Well there were no turtles Ray. Vecchio: Well I know there were no turtles. What were you doing. Fraser: Oh I was simply trying to distract him so I could remove this... Vecchio: A needle. So what is he on drugs? Fraser: Oh I didn't see any signs consistent with prolonged drug use aka 'track marks' and Ian hardly seems the type to need help to escape from reality but perhaps we should ask him. Vecchio: So he can tell us that it's a immunization shot for the honeymoon with the Dowge. I don't think so. Fraser: Well in that case, Ray We shall have to ask whoever it is that put this there. Vecchio: You only got 60 minutes. Fraser: Why only 60? Vecchio: Because that's my lunch hour. Fraser: Understood. Vecchio: OK and under no circumstances is that little liar going to set foot in my car. [Ian comes out of Interrogation room.] Ian: All right we'll take my car. Vecchio: You have a car? Ian: Yes I have a car. [In the Van] Ian: Well what do you think. It's on loan from N.A.S.A. they were having a financial difficulty with the space shuttle program and were having a fire sale. Fraser: Well it's very roomy. Murray: Do you mind? There's a draft it's very bad for the lumbago. Vecchio: No not at all. Excuse me.. These are your A list clients? Ian: Hey just because a person is old doesn't mean they can't have an open mind and a desire to explore the unknown. Besides with compound interest a person's net worth by the age of 65 is a remarkable thing. GREY POWER You both remember that! Norman: Who needs Mertle Beech when you can have the opportunity of a life time. We took one look at this brochure and said to ourselves if we walk to the market instead of taking a taxi. Eat a little less on Friday, buy whole sale, we could have this. Jane: Why sit at home watching Donahue and hear about someone else's sightings when you have a chance to get of the couch and see it for yourself. Vecchio: May I? Jane: Certainly. Vecchio: Thank you. Murray: A close encounter is guaranteed in every brochure. Ian: There are all kinds of close encounter. Fraser: So it would appear. Vecchio: See page 24 home of hanger 27 the US Governments top secret UFO intelligence operation, tour the base, meet the aliens, take a ride on a real flying saucer. You're actually charging for this. Ian: With a money back guarantee. Vecchio: It's a line of bull. Murray: The best part is the sky watch Ian: hundreds of space ships gather around in an interplanetary display of precision flying. Jane: Norman flew in the war. Norman: Now dear. Jane: And our son's a pilot. It's been a long time since I've seen him. Fraser: Well he's probably busy. Jane: I miss him. Betty: What a nice doggy Fraser: Well he's a wolf actually and he's on a diet...]to Dief] That's
enough.
Murray: It gives me heartburn Edna: I told you you should have made boiled. Rump roast honey? Murray: Allergic. Ian: Ladies and Gentlemen If you look to your left You'll notice we're passing through Jackson. In 1983 I myself personally witnessed a space ship suck the milk out of an entire herd of cows ... MOO. [Sign reads Roswell, IL.] [They arrive at the Constellation Motel.] Ian: OK gang we meet at the mission room for a briefing at 15 hundred hours. That's 3 o'clock for those of you not yet on space time. Edna: Such a nice boy. Betty: I love his dog. Vecchio: Space time? Ian: Yeah UFOs hundreds of them they all come here, it's like the Woodstock of psychic fairs. This place is famous. The Constellation. This is where Mick stays when nostalgia travelling and where Mohammed Ali and George Foreman had their secret meeting before the fight. But listen, you didn't hear it from me OK? And this is where I met Audrey. Vecchio: This is where you and Audrey had 'coffee'? Ian: Hey that's my Fiancée you're talking about Vecchio: Forgive me. Ian: Oh it was terrible and when the aliens ripped her out of my arms I fought like a wild man but what are you supposed to say to a space man when he's got a laser nerve distructor pointing at your head? Vecchio: Beam me up? Ian: Hey listen, I've had enough of you pal, all right? Why don't you just keep your sarcasm to yourself and your mind on your job. I'm talking about the woman I love . Vecchio: OK Ian: All right now look it's a real disaster area in there so just keep your cool I want to preserve the integrity of the crime scene. Come on. [In a car a man is watching the cops and Ian. He is on the telephone.] Guy: We've found him and he's not alone. Voice on phone: Continue surveillance, don't let them out of your sight. [In the room] Ian: Right here, I'm telling you. There was blood everywhere, the walls the ceilings, rivers of it. Fraser: You know Ian, ordinarily I am inclined to believe you but even if this room had been scoured clean there should have been a crack in the finish and the particle board would have soaked up traces of blood. This dresser has been replaced.]To Dief] Excuse me that could be evidence : Hopeless. Vecchio [on phone]: Yeah get me a taxi. Chicago, Chicago. I know it's 60 miles. I know it's a long trip. yes I have money. Tomorrow? Fraser [looking at the door]: Kicked in? Ian: Right off it's hinges, they must have used their anti gravity boots Vecchio: Yeah they took the yellow pages too. Fraser: The dresser's been replaced the door jam has been repaired and painted. Vecchio: I'm not listening because every time I listen, he says something stupid and you back him up. Ian: And the aliens took my stuff. My stereo, the closet full of Versace. Hey, you'd think these higher life forms would have a more developed sense of ethics. Maybe they were bad aliens. [They leave the room] Fraser [To man on the roof[Bob]: Excuse me sir, Excuse me. Could you perhaps tell me if you saw anyone going into room 6 within the last Ian: 15 and a half hours. Fraser: 15 and a half hours. Bob: Yep. Fraser: Could you possibly describe them to me? Bob: Yep Fraser: Do you think you could describe them to me now? Bob: Wait a minute, wait a minute, let me guess CIA right? Fraser: No. Royal Canadian Mounted police, Constable Benton Fraser. Bob: Where's your horse. Fraser: Well I don't have one. I have a wolf if that will help you any? Bob: You ride him? Fraser: No, he's deaf. Bob: Two guys pulled up in a Ford Explorer around 6am. I guess I was waiting for the primer to dry and went to get a cup of coffee, couldn't have been gone ooh 20 minutes. Come back those fellas were gone nothing missing why make a fuss? Vecchio: Finally a reasonable explanation. Are you the owner? Bob: No. Vecchio: Are you the caretaker? Bob: No. Vecchio: What do you do? Bob: I build ships. When that baby's finished she'll be an exact replica. Vecchio: An exact replica of what? Bob: The one in my basement. Fraser: Ah thank you kindly. Vecchio: I'm so glad we asked. Ian: What are you guys doing that guy is a material witness put him in protective custody. OK two aliens a Ford Bronco : Simple explanation. They are exerting mind control over the Ford Motor Company and using them to cover their tracks [Reception] Vecchio: How do I get out of this town? Receptionist: Left at the corner. Vecchio: Well I don't have a car. Receptionist: Then you have a problem. Vecchio: You have no idea. Is there a car rental agency? Receptionist: Apollo 13 rentals.. Vecchio: How about a bus? Receptionist: Last one went through an hour ago. Vecchio: The space shuttle fly over any time soon? Receptionist: Ask Bob. Vecchio: I'd rather gouge my eyes out with a dull spoon ] Receptionist hands him a dull spoon] No no it's just an expression. Mind control over the Ford Motor Company... what's the matter with you? Fraser: You know Ray on the surface it does appear to be sli-- Vecchio: Look Fraser, we are talking to a man who lies with the skill equal only to used car sales men and presidents. Ian: Thank you. Fraser: Ray if you ignore the facts, you ignore the truth. Now the fact is we have a witness that can co-operate that there was strange activity in Ian's room this morning. Vecchio: Yeah and if you asked him who killed Kennedy and where Jimmy Hoffa is then he'd probably tell us that little green men in his basement did it. Ian: No that was the mob. Vecchio: All right now look, if you can get one truth to come out of his mouth I'll stay but that's the best I can do. Fraser: Fair enough. Vecchio: All right now what about food can you manage that?
Fraser: Thank you kindly. [Leave reception and walk towards bar] Vecchio: OK you guys got however long it takes me to chomp down a burger. Ian: You guts are going to love this place. It's four star they have the best pickled pork in the Tri State area. Vecchio: Friends of yours? Ian: Security. Fraser: Actually Ian I believe you'll find that the Tri State area actually consists of New Jersey, New York and Connecticut. Ian: Well they come from there and everywhere else to here. Receptionist [calling after them]: Ian your group is waiting. Ian: Could you just hold them on the bus and give them some of those maps to the aliens' homes? Isn't she great? Vecchio: Uh huh. [The Bar] Ian: Well this is it. This is where Audrey and I had our engagement party. It was quite a shindig I can tell you. Fraser: Is there anyone you recognize from last night? Ian: You know it's hard to say all I could see is Audrey Fraser: Well there probably were other witnesses, Ian. Vecchio: Yeah well maybe we should ask the space lady here. Excuse me Do you have anything other than the Skywatch burger? Space Lady: You're not from around her are you? Vecchio: Not unless there are aliens who look like second generation immigrants. Ian: Hey I recognize you you were behind the bar last night. Space Lady: Yeah and the night before that and the one before that. ]to Ben]I haven't seen you here before. Fraser: No Ma'am, I'm from the North West Territories. Now is it possible that if my friend recognizes you from last night that you also might recognize him from last night? Space Lady: Why don't you ask him. Fraser: Well that's a long story. Space Lady: Yeah sure he was here last night. Vecchio: What? Fraser: Well the Space Lady was just saying... Vecchio: I heard OK? Space Lady: Yes he was sat right there you were here with Audrey McKenna, right? Ian: Yes, Audrey, Audrey McKenna. Space Lady: Yeah you were in here and she had two cosmopolitans. She never has more than 1. It must have been a good night. Vecchio: What you actually saw this man with the woman he says he was with and she was being nice to him? Space Lady: He's a quick one! Fraser: Well ordinarily yes, can you tell me where we could find this
Audrey McKenna?
Ian: She works at the base, Audrey works at the base. Vecchio: This fact never came up? I've given you my lunch hour. I've come all the way out here to Nutsville USA to check out your cock-a-maimy story and canvas suspected aliens only to have the Space Lady tell me that Audrey McKenna may or may not work at a base of which you know nothing about? Ian: I knew everything I needed to know about her OK? Vecchio: Like what? Ian: Like the important stuff, who she was on the inside. I didn't have to ask her a bunch of stupid questions. I took one look at her and I knew who she was. I always have. Space Lady: God that's beautiful. Ian [smug]: Thanks. Vecchio: How long you know her? Ian: I don't know, I came in here at 10 o'clock she came in about 10 .30 Vecchio: You met her last night? Ian: It only takes a moment.. My mother said that. Space Lady: I thought it was Barbara Striesand. Ian: Oh you know my mother? Hey her next album's going to be a killer. Vecchio: That's it I'm going home. Ian: No please, I made a promise. Vecchio: Yeah and she said yes and you gave her a ring and her eyes lit up like it was Christmas. And you all lived happily ever after. Ian: No I made a promise to my mother. She gave me that ring before she died and told me to give it to the one woman I truly loved and care for. I told her I would give it to the one woman I would be faithful to for the rest of my life not like my father. Please You've got to help me. I have to find her. Fraser: We should go to the base with him. Vecchio: The US army base. Fraser: Yes Vecchio: Fraser, the army does not like civilians snooping around their back yards they kind of respond with ordinance. Ian: No problem I'll show them the pass I got from desert storm Fraser: Excuse me could you direct us to the base? Space Lady: Yeah you make a left up the road it's about five miles. Fraser: Thank you . He made a promise to his mother Ray. Vecchio: OK I'll give you an extension. Ian: Till when? Vecchio: Till I change my mind. Fraser: Fair enough thank you kindly. [On the bus] Ian: 1984 10pm Tuesday. A little red blip appears in the radar screen at the Illinois Weather Tracking Station. At first the radar technician thinks nothing of it, he thinks that it's an air craft, but when that little red blip breaks up into four other blips and starts flying off in separate directions he knows something is amiss. Ladies and Gentlemen I now ask you to close your eyes and imagine yourselves back in that radar station. Vecchio: Why am I already regretting this? Fraser: I can't imagine. Vecchio: We don't even know what she looks like. Ian [gets photo from pocket]: Engagement photos. Vecchio: They're from a dollar photo booth. Ian: well, Of course they are. After what happened with her brother and Princess Di, Audrey's family didn't want the pictures falling into the hands of the tabloids.... By the time Norad received the mystery signal hundreds of fighter pilots had been deployed. 10.15 Sam Norbutts farm. Lights of red, green and blue descend and encircle his barn. Hundreds of telephone calls swarm the Everstow Police Department. Our men in blue spray into action. Squad cars are scattered all over the city responding to reported sightings of Unidentified flying objects. Ladies and Gentlemen to your immediate right the site of the first reported landing of alien spaceship. Right there beyond the trees. Vecchio: How does it feel to belong to the same gene pool? Fraser: What do you mean Ray? Vecchio: He's bilking them. Fraser: Well they seem happy enough. Vecchio: Hey when does the real estate scam kick in? Ian: These people are from the Sunset Retirement home OK? Some of these people haven't been out of their bath robes in 7 years right Murray? Murray: 8, Angina. Norman [reading sign]: Warning, no trespassing beyond this point photography is prohibited. [Murray takes photos] Edna: Oh my you are a risk taker. Betty: Oh I love a man that lives on the edge. Edna: Shut up. Norman [reading another sign]:There it is I can read the sign. Restricted area : no entry use of deadly force authorized. Betty: Oh this is so exciting. Vecchio: All right let me handle this. Ian [Speaking into intercom]: Hello
Ian: Hi how are you today? 'Brad': State your business. Ian: Is that Brad? Brad 'the bad' Wilson? hey hey it's me Ian McDonald 2nd battalion Sports Guard, how're you doing? 'Brad': This is not Brad Wilson and if you do not clearly state your business we will enforce military law. Ian: Oh well I'm here to pick up my fiancée Audrey McKenna. 'Brad': We do not have anyone of that name here Sir. Ian: Well that's kind of weird I mean she told me to meet her right here by the front gate. Just tell her I'm here. 'Brad': You will proceed no further and you will turn that vehicle around immediately. Fraser: I don't think that's probably what... Vecchio: Ian stop the van.
Vecchio: Ian stop the damn van. Ian: I'm doing it Vecchio: We got company. 'Company': All those inside the bus exit with you hands above your head. You are all under arrest. Vecchio: OK boys no need to panic hold your friendly fire. Fraser: All right Everyone stay calm, just do what they say. Vecchio [to Ian]: Yeah and you keep talking ]to Ben]any luck they'll shoot him [Fraser nods] Fraser: Good afternoon, my name is Constable Benton Fraser this is my wolf Diefenbaker. May I? and now introducing from the left [guns point at him] Understood. 'Company': This is a maximum security military base what part of 'don't move' didn't you understand? Ian: Brad you've changed man, we were such good friends. Compadres we swore we'd go down together. Vecchio: Excuse me could you shoot him? Fraser: If I may explain this gentleman's fiancée. Ian: Audrey McKenna Fraser: Yes, she either is or once was an employee at this base and we were wondering if perhaps you could shed some light on a rather sudden disappearance. Murray: Yes take us to your leader 'Company': Take these, leave two men with the others. Jane: Have you seen my son, he's a pilot you know. Soldier: No Ma'am. [Office] Colonel: Aliens ha.. well Mr. McDonald if your fiancée has indeed been captured by creatures from outer space I'm afraid I can provide you with little comfort. This base is military, pure and simple, not withstanding your brochure. Ian: Haha well you can laugh all you want but that's a very high quality program and what about Audrey does she work here or not? Colonel: Well she's your fiancée I would think you would know huh? Lieutenant! Lieutenant: There is no Audrey McKenna on the personelle roster I've checked the computer back 10 years. Vecchio: What a shock. Colonel: Sorry we can't help you detective. Vecchio: No problem Colonel sorry for the intrusion. Fraser: Is it possible you might recognize this woman perhaps by a different name? Colonel: I'm afraid we still can't help you. She's very beautiful though, you two make a lovely couple. I err hope you find her. Ian: Oh really then why don't you just tell me where she is then huh? Fraser: Thank you Colonel. Ian: Can you believe him huh? No wait a second don't you people see a cover up. Ohh you tell me aliens are just going to fall out of the sky.. Fraser: Thank you Ian: ... and US army is just going to let them snatch people away. Vecchio: Come on COME ON you don't want to get arrested. Ian: No wait a second. 'Brad': Continue surveillance Sir? Colonel: Yes keep an eye on them until they leave town. And get me the lab. [Outside in the base] Fraser: They know her or at least they know who she is. Vecchio: Junior officer Right? I noticed that, his eyes right just before he talked about Audrey he looked away. Fraser: He didn't even look at the picture. Vecchio: And what about the colonel he didn't even blink. Fraser: Not once. Vecchio: Yeah bet he's in on it too. Fraser: I think so yes. Vecchio: So how do you know? Sweat? Fraser: No Vecchio: Shallow breathing? Fraser: N. O. Vecchio: Dilated pupils? Fraser: Not that I noticed. Vecchio: So how do you know? Fraser: His table top. Vecchio: His table top? Fraser: His table top Ray Audrey McKenna's file was on his table top. Vecchio: What? Ian: That was Audrey in the red parka. I just saw her get into that Bronco. Vecchio: Oh come on... Ian: Right what was I thinking [Ian runs after Audrey. Ben and Ray run after an] 'Brad': Mission, the rockets on the loose again...]to Ben and Ray] Get in the Colonel wants to see you. [Ian has been caught] Ian: I demand you take me to the colonels office when my grandfather Admiral Nimmits finds out about this HOHO you people are in some serious trouble. You guys do not want to mess with the man who beamed up their battle ship I'll tell you right now. Ian: Audrey! Johnson: Get your hands off me. Ian: What have you done to Audrey? Colonel: Gentlemen I thought we'd covered this ground. Do you know this man? Johnson: No Sir. Colonel: Have you ever seen him before today? Johnson: No Sir. Colonel: Your friend here seems to think that Specialist Johnson is this person Audrey. In fact he chased her half way across the base endangering himself and members of my command. No if you don't mind my assistant and I have reports to get back to. And Gentlemen if I catch you or your friend here on the base no matter how good the reason I'll arrest you, call your superior officers and make sure that traffic duty is all either of you ever see for a very, very long time. Do I make myself plain? Fraser: Very plain Sir. Vecchio: Come on Ian. Ian: I saw her it's true. Colonel: Gentlemen. Fraser: Yes Colonel Ian: You guys don't believe anything. [Ian, Ben and Ray leave and Audrey enters.] Colonel [to Audrey: You've put this project in jeopardy I can not allow that. [The Sky watch] Jane: Watch the sky Norman do you think that's them? Norman: Where? Jane: That little twinkling light. Edna: It's shaped like a flying saucer. Betty: Oh don't be silly, Edna, saucers were just made up. No, it'll look like the shuttle you know a plane with rocket boosters. Edna: You think so? Betty: Oh yes. Jane: Our son flies planes. Norman: Not any more dear he died in the war. Jane: That's what they said but I think he's up there with them. Edna: What do you think Mr. Gleams? Murray: I think this chair is killing me. [Betty and Edna fuss over him] Murray: No no no stay where you are. Ian [sat with Fraser and Ray slightly away from the rest of the group]: It's a star I mean you'd think when people get to a certain age they'd stop kidding themselves. Vecchio: Look who's talking like the pot calling the kettle black. Your story' nothing but full of milarky. Ian: Hey my story is not Milarky Vecchio: Your Story's full of milarky you know it and I know it and he knows it. Fraser: Ray, Ray, Audrey McKenna's file was on the desk in that base and yet no one seems willing to admit that she was even vaguely connected to it. Don't you find that even vaguely curious? Ian: You're wrong about that my friend. Vecchio: I am not wrong and I am not your friend OK. This whole thing is a figment of you imagination. Ian: No man no. She made a big mistake and when she realizes it she's going to come running back to me. Vecchio: All right that's it that's it. Time to make a call pal. Ian: Well you don't think she's crying her eyes out right now? Vecchio: Not unless she's cutting onions. Ian: Ooh your harsh man, you're really harsh. Fraser: Ray! Vecchio: Look sooner or later he's going to have to face the facts. All right now look kid you're not the first guy to be taken to the cleaners. Fraser: What Ray is trying to say is.. Vecchio: What Ray is trying to say is a girl sees a guy in a bar namely you. She's got maybe half an hour to kill. Now your not the best looking guy in the joint but compared to the locals you're Brad Pitt. She bats her eyelids at you, she gets you into bed and after your fifteen minutes are up she takes your ring on the way out the door as a souvenir. It happens. We've both been there. We all know the drill. Ian: Yeah, yeah, yeah I forgot about the drill. Fraser: Well that really, well that really seems to have helped Ray. Vecchio: Yeah you to go, go, leave me here to look for aliens. ... No such thing. Betty: They're going to miss the skywatch. Edna [To Dief]: Such a good eater.. Do you like dogs? Murray: Fur, gives me hives. Jane: Son? [By the Van, Ben and Ian are the only ones there] Fraser: That's it then. Ian: He's right I'm an idiot. I know a girl for 45 minutes and all of a sudden I want to marry her and then I give her my mother's ring, just like that. Fraser: So you're packing it in, you're going to leave? Ian: 35 years she wore that ring and she did not take it off once, until the day she died and I gave it away for nothing. Fraser: How do you know it was for nothing? Ian: Because she told me OK? Fraser: Oh she did.. when? In the bar? Ian: She told me. Fraser: When, while she was being abducted by aliens? Ian: She told me wh.. Fraser: When Ian When did she tell you? You see she didn't tell you anything. Now I would imagine that you're afraid to find out but your alternative is that you live the rest of your life wondering now we will find Audrey and when we do you can ask her for yourself. [Ian hugs Fraser] Fraser: OK OK That's good, that's enough. Ian: I wanna, I have something for you just hang on.. stay here.. don't peak, close your, close your eyes don't peak. Fraser: All right. ]Ian drives off] No no Ian that's not what I meant. Vecchio: Oh great! [Fraser chases after the Van and jumps on it : A helicopter is also chasing the van. Meanwhile Audrey is in the lab and some new developments are taking place.] Technician #1:OK we've got something coming up here this could be it. Voice from helicopter: Stop the truck, pullover, pull over and stop. Stop the truck. Fraser: Ah Ian I think right now might be quite a good time.. [Ian leaps out of the truck and runs off jumping on to the back of another vehicle then into a building where he runs into a technician Ian: Look Gerry, sorry I can't chat, nice to see you. Fraser to 'Gerry': Excuse me have you seen... ['Gerry' points] Thank you. Audrey: Let's hope it's not another weather balloon. Technician#1: No this looks like the real thing. Audrey: We've got contact, let's get ready people. Technician#1: 7 miles and closing Audrey: Tracking craft out to boundary markers. [Vecchio is with two soldiers] Soldier: you'll have to speak to the Colonel, Sir, Vecchio: He's 5 foot 10 one sixty five all I ask is you let me shoot him first. Come on guys we don't have to do this. Soldier: you'll have to speak to the Colonel Vecchio: I know I know the Colonel. Technician#1: five and closing. Audrey: Where's the Colonel? Technician#1: Four and closing. Audrey: Secure the doors Technician#2: Securing doors. Ian: Audrey I want the ring back. Technician#1: You know him? Audrey: Tracking craft in position. Ian: It was my mother's ring I made a promise. Technician#1: two and closing. Ian: Want it back. Well I asked her I want a straight answer. [Colonel's office] Colonel: Gentlemen In aggregate these charges normally carry penalties of upwards of 30 years. Providing we strike intent to Sedition from the list. A charge that typically involves electricity in concentrations which I assure you, you do not want to experience first hand. Now you have been spared the full wait of these penalties thanks to the intervention of the city of Chicago and the Government of Canada. Both of whom have requested leniency claiming reduced mental capacity. No in the light of the manifest truth of these claims we have no choice but to process and release you. Fraser: Thank you Colonel.
Ian: Boy oh boy when Billy Carter appointed my Uncle to the head of the joint heads of staff that is exactly the kind of threatening behavior he was trying to root out. Fraser: Ian! Ian: That makes me mad. Fraser: IAN! Ian: Audrey! Audrey: Ian. Ian: It's you. Audrey: Yeah. Ian: Why did you?? Audrey: I had to go to work. Ian: In the middle of a marriage proposal? Audrey: Ian something very important happened here tonight something I have been working on for a long time. Ian: What? Audrey: It's not something I want to talk about. Ian: You mean that, you mean that they came, they actually came? Audrey: Well that's the funny thing about the truth isn't it. I mean, You can look at a cloud from one angle and see err... a camel but you can look at the same cloud from a different angle and you see a Barbecue but no matter how you look at it it's still a cloud. Ian: Until it rains and then.. Audrey: And then it's gone. Ian: Yeah I think I understand that. So that's the way it's going to be huh? Me and the kids waiting, dinner on the table cold, family always the last priority. None of us, none of us ever knowing when you're going to tell the truth. That's the way it's going to be? Audrey: Do you want your ring back? Ian: No I kept my promise you keep that. Audrey: You know when we met... Ian: It was like magic, like summer lightning you took one look at me and you knew right away I was the one man you were going to spend the rest of your life with. Audrey: No, I thought you were cute. You see for me it takes more than 42 minutes. Maybe if we had 43? I'm going to be at the Constellation later. If somebody, say some guy wanted to buy me a Cosmopolitan I probably wouldn't say no. Ian: I'll be there. Audrey: Then I'll probably see you. Ian [silently mouths]: YES! Audrey [to another guy]: Colonel's orders. Ian: Thanks for all your help guys. Hey guys could you lend me some money? Vecchio: What's in it for me? Ian: Well you can have the bus. Vecchio: What bus it's been confiscated. Ian: So we'll steal it back. Fraser: IAN! Perhaps we could recover it Ray. Vecchio: Well I ain't driving back in that bus. I'd rather hitch hike. Ian: And risk arrest? Vecchio: You've already been arrested. Ian: Shut up Fraser: Ray. Vecchio: And you next time you ask me a hypothetical question. Fraser: Yes. Vecchio: The answers no. Fraser: That makes no sense Ray, hypothetically [Sky watchers:: There are lights and you get the feeling a space ship has just taken off] Jane: Good bye Son. End |