| We Are the Eggmen
Summary from official site, www.duesouth.com via Wayback Machine Fraser saves the driver of a truck hanging off a precipice in a daring rescue, then is stunned when the driver nails Fraser, the Mounties and the Government of Canada with a $10,000,000 lawsuit. Concerned that his wolf has become soft and lost his wilderness skills after too much city living, Fraser takes Diefenbaker out for a training session in the dark hours before dawn. He stumbles on a road hazard, and when he warns an oncoming farm truck, the truck swerves and ends up teetering on an embankment. Fraser saves the driver, but in the process the farmer's cargo -- a couple thousand fresh eggs on their way to market -- is destroyed. The next day, Fraser discovers that he, the RCMP and Canada itself, are being sued by Lyndon Buxley, the rescued farmer, and mysteriously, last night's road hazard seems never to have existed. Fraser approaches Buxley to straighten things out and finds that the man who is threatening to ruin his life and career with the lawsuit is himself in trouble. Buxley, an artist of chicken breeding, has created a superior tasting egg which is also low in cholesterol. The competition wants his farm, methods and formula and are using the leverage of his gambling debts to get them. In clearing himself of the allegations in the lawsuit, Fraser helps Buxley, is trapped in a sweltering incubator with Inspector Thatcher, and battles strong arm farmers wielding guns with, well ... eggs. In a parallel story, Ray buys lottery tickets for himself and his sister Francesca and wins. Francesca thinks she is due half the money since they each put in equal amounts. Ray thinks he should get it all since the ticket that won was, he says, bought with his dollar. Story by James Kramer
Regular Cast
Guest Stars
HENRI CLOUTIER - Vlasta Vrana
-------------------------------- Unofficial Transcript: We Are The Eggman [Early morning in the country] Fraser: All right, that's it. Just crouch. Just watch him. All right now. All right great. Close the gap, pick up your pace. Charge. [Dief finds a candy wrapper] Aw, Diefenbaker. Do I have to remind you that you are a carnivore, that you are genetically predisposed to hunt, or have you forgotten that? It's hopeless. I should never have taken you out of your element and brought you to the city. You've gone soft. No, there's only thing to do and that's to mail you back to the Yukon. [Dief whimpers] Ahh, now a few elementary drills doesn't sound so bad does it? Let's go. [Dief whimpers, Fraser is walking backwards] Watch your language. Now pick up the scent again. Start to stalk. That's it. Pick up your pace. All right. That's it. All right. Measure your charge. [Fraser falls into an uncovered hole in the road. He pops up, putting his hat on] If you even so much as contemplate laughing, my friend, I swear I will crate you up so quickly that… [sees head lights heading his way, out of hole and his trying to flag down the truck. The driver sees him, swerves and crashes at the side of the road. Fraser runs over, tries getting into the drivers door] Sir, are you all right? [can't get the door open, runs to the back of the truck, gets that door open and hundreds of eggs slide out] Excuse me sir, it's Constable Benton Fraser Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Are you all right? Buxley: Yeah, I'm okay. Thank you. Oh my god, what did you do to my eggs! Fraser: I'm very sorry about your eggs sir but you were headed for an open trench. Buxley: You son of a - Fraser: You see, you were headed for an open trench. Buxley: What am I gonna do now? Fraser: I think we can salvage some of them. Buxley: Hey, you did enough already. Get out of here. Fraser: Well perhaps I should go call somebody for- Buxley: Get out of here! [Buxley backs up and drives off spilling even more eggs. Dief is eating the eggs] [Consulate] [Fraser, up the stairs, his door has a note on it, he goes to Thatcher's office, knocks] Thatcher: Come in. Constable Fraser, this is Linus Prince. Fraser: Pleased to meet you. Prince: Same here. Thatcher: He's a lawyer. Prince: For Mr. Lyndon Buxley, the man who's life you ruined. Fraser: Excuse me? Thatcher: Something about eggs. Prince: Your actions caused my client to loose a contract that was vital to his business. And since the accident he's suffered severe trauma and emotional distress. Fraser: Oh. I'm-I'm terribly sorry to hear that. If there's anything I can do to help. Prince: There most definitely is Constable. You can provide restitution. Thatcher: He's suing us. The complaint sites you, the Royal Mounted Police and the government of Canada for the loss of income, bodily harm and mental anguish as a result of your wanton behavior. Fraser: Well I … I'm not sure the word wanton is the word you're looking for- Thatcher: Fraser. Fraser: Sir, I was trying to prevent a serious accident. Your client was heading for an open trench. Prince: There was no open trench. You forced him off the road. Fraser: Yes, there was an open trench, Mr. Prince. I fell into it. While I was hunting with my wolf. Thatcher: How much exactly are you looking for Mr. Prince? Prince: Ten million dollars. You have my number. And you'll want to call soon. The longer you wait, the higher the price. [Prince leaves] Thatcher: Don't say it. You were only trying to help. Fraser: Well yes, actually. Thatcher: Dismissed. [on phone] Get me legal affairs in Ottowa. Fraser, one more thing? If you ever get the urge to help me? Resist it. Yes, this is Inspector Thatcher in Chicago. [27th] Vecchio: Welcome to America, Benny. The land of litigation. You know you can sue your barber for giving you a bad haircut? Fraser: The man was in trouble Ray. Vecchio: Well that's what you get for being a good Samaritan. You say you were helping a guy, he says you were interfering. Fraser: I didn't do anything wrong. Vecchio: Well, it doesn't matter. In this country the guy who brings the suit doesn't have to pay the costs and nine times out of ten they hire a slippery lawyer and it's cheaper to settle than fight back. Fraser: But of course that won't happen in this case because as soon as we can clear up the misunderstanding of the open trench-- Vecchio: Look, I just want you to be prepared. If it comes down to your word to his, in a Chicago court room, the money's going to be on the hometown boy. Fraser: Now the cover was off that trench Ray. Vecchio: Now we prove it, you're off the hook, but if we can't, don't take it personally. Come on. We got 45 minutes. Frannie: Hey you guys want a sandwich? Vecchio: My sisters new business. She's taken over the kitchen at home. Frannie: Well you know. It keeps me busy. Gets me out. I'm kinda a people person. You hungry Benton? Fraser: As a matter of fact, I am. How much do I owe you? Frannie: Ah. Nada. You get the good looking eligible bachelor discount. Fraser: Thank you kindly. Vecchio: You got proscuitto? Frannie: Yeah, six bucks. Vecchio: Six bucks? Frannie: What? You're my brother. And besides, even if you weren't you're not my type. Vecchio: Ah, then you're out of luck. I've only got five. And besides, I ran out of toothpaste this morning. Frannie: You and your system. He thinks if he runs out of a personal care product it means he'll win the lottery. Vecchio: All right, make fun of me now. Frannie: All right, buy me a five while you're at it okay? Vecchio: Yeah, but it's gonna cost ya. Frannie: He's my brother, I have to put up with him. What are you thinking? [farm] [Buxley drives up to his farm, two guys are there] Buxley: Sneed, what are you doing here man? Sneed: It's time to pay the piper Lyndon. If you're lucky here Mr. Marshack might make an offer on this dump. You very lucky he just might, just cover your marker. Buxley: Hey come on. Hey, you cannot take this farm away. Sneed: Oh? Buxley: No. I just need a little more time, okay? Sneed: You clowns always think it's about time. It's not about time. Buxley: Look man I'm about to make a really big score. Sneed: A big score? Buxley: I swear to God. Sneed: Hundred grand? Buxley: Hundred grand is peanuts. I'm suing the Canadian government. Sneed: That's original. That's original. Buxley: Lawyers say it's a slam dunk. Going to settle for 5 - uh million so I'm going to pay you back maybe 10-15-20 times what I owe you. Sneed: Lyndon, Lyndon, parties over. You better hope and pray I find a buyer for this place of your future ain't going to be worth the change you leave behind. Buxley: Hey, hey you can't take that. Excuse me sir, you can't take that. Marshack: So you breed these yourself? Interesting. Buxley: You can't take those, those are my eggs, man. Sneed: Mr. Marshack can take anything he wants. Now you play your dime, you take your wrack. Buxley: those are my eggs. [Vecchio scratching tickets while Fraser looks around the country road and taking photos of the road] Come on….nothing. Fraser: Well this plate has obviously been replaced. Vecchio: Yeah, no kidding? It's under construction. They move it every day. You know I don't know why I but these things I never win. Fraser: Look at these scrape marks, Ray. They appear to be fresh. Vecchio: You're going to have a hard time convincing the judge that between the time you ran the guy off the road and between the time the cops showed up that an emergency road crew came out here and did road repairs. [He's still scratching tickets] Come on, come on. I'm squeezing like a - ya know, this is nothing but a tax on the poor. Fraser: These plates were lifted in by a machine. Where as this plate was levered in with some difficulty. Probably a crowbar. Vecchio: So what are you saying? There's some guy running around at 4 o'clock in the morning replacing wayward trench covers? I don't think so Benny. If you ask me, I'd say settle. There's no shame in settling, it happens all the time. Fraser: I think I'm going to go and talk to him. It's only a couple of miles. I can walk from here and you have to get back anyway. Vecchio: Talk to who? Fraser: The eggman. Vecchio: The eggman? He's the enemy. The only explanation he's looking for comes in large denominations. He's probably gonna have to chase you - [scratches the last ticket] I won 25 thousand dollars! [farm] Buxley [to his chickens]: I know. It is not your problem. Nobodies blaming you. I'm blaming myself. I'm assuming full responsibility. Yeah, you don't have to tell me I'm a compulsive gambler, I know I'm a compulsive gambler. I'm assuming total responsibility. What I'm trying to explain to you is that we have got something going now sweetheart that cannot miss, okay? It is not a long shot. No-no-no-no. It's gonna put us on the map kids. No more worries. Nothing. Okay? Yes, I'm promising. Right? [looks out his window and there's Fraser taking photos. Buxley grabs his rifle] Son of a - [goes onto his porch] Fraser [waves]: Ah, Mr. Buxley. Buxley [fires at Fraser]: Yes? Fraser: Ah! Mr. Buxley might I suggest that you hold your fire. If not for my sake at least for the sake of your French Houdans. Buxley: How do you know I got French Houdans? Fraser: Oh I'd recognize those voices anywhere. You see as it turns out I'm not entirely unfamiliar with poultry. My grandfather bred fowl. When we lived in Yetyak Flats, in his spare time of course. And in Yetyak Flats, there was a surplus of spare time. As a matter of fact, I remember one occasion when he actually tried to introduce a pair of andallusians to a flock of brohmas and you [laughing] well you can imagine the results. [Buxley shakes his head, understanding what Fraser is saying] Buxley: what do you want? Fraser: Well, I'd like to have a word with you. May I? [Buxley looks like he'll shoot, gives up and goes inside] [house] Fraser: This is your research station. Buxley: Yeah. Fraser: High nitrogen content. Buxley: That's for the shells. Fraser: These spices are coriander…gensing root, myerr and I can't place the other two. Buxley: That's cause it's a secret. Fraser: Ah. And this would be your uh… Buxley: that's your treadmill. Ya see, the way I look at it, you put a chicken in a little tiny cage and never give him a little exercise, that's no good. This way they get in shape, they're gonna perform two, three, four maybe five years past the average. Fraser: These two are remarkable. Buxley: Adam and Eve. It took 25 years to produce these two. Fraser: And these are their eggs? Buxley: That's the eggs. Fraser: May I? Buxley: Go ahead. [Fraser uses a tuning fork to listen to the egg] Fraser: That was a fine egg. Buxley: Those eggs are going to put me on a map my boy. But in the meantime business is slow. Yeah, real slow now thanks to the incident we had. Fraser: You think this law suit is your way out? Buxley: Well it's nothing personal. Just exercising my indigenous rights so to speak. Fraser: Mr. Buxley, if they discover it was you that covered that open trench, you will be liable to the criminal charge of fraud. Buxley: Gee, since I didn't do that I don't have anything to worry about do I? You know I think this is all very nice but I think maybe this conversation is concluded now. I think the next time we see each other, it ought to be in court. Fraser: Very well. Buxley: Take your eggs. Fraser: At, thank you. Buxley: God bless you. [27th] [Frannie is cuffed to a bench] Vecchio: Well, well, well, if it isn't Jan Paul Getty, Miss Captain of Industry, the Duchess of - Frannie: All right Ray, enough. Pay my fine will you? Vecchio: Not so fast. As a responsible and concerned police officer I just want to make sure you're learned your lesson. Frannie: how was I suppose to know that I needed a vendors permit to sell at the Merc? Vecchio: Just a wild idea Frannie? Maybe you should have asked someone? Fraser: Uh Ray, did you get that information? Vecchio: Look, there were no road crews and that open trench must have been a figment of your imagination. Fraser: I fell into it Ray. Vecchio: Well then you fell into a figment. Frannie: I think this is just a simple misunderstanding over a permit. Would you please tell my brother just to pay my fine and let me get out of here please. Fraser: Well that should be simple enough Ray with your good fortune today. Frannie: Good fortune? Vecchio: Fraser. Frannie: Hello? What good fortune? Vecchio: No good fortune. Just sit there. Fraser, this is not a good time to be telling Frannie about the lottery ticket. Fraser: Well why isn't it Ray? She won half the money. Vecchio: No Frannie did not win any of the money. I won all the money. Fraser: Ray, I don't think that's true, strictly speaking. I mean while it is true that you scratched off all of the tickets, Franchesca bought half of the tickets therefore technically she should be entitled to half the money, isn't that right? Vecchio: No. her tickets did not win and mine did. End of story. Fraser: Ah. Vecchio: What do you mean Ah? Frannie did not win are we clear on this? Fraser: If you say so, yes. Vecchio: What? Have you been taking guilt lessons from my mother? Fraser: Not that I recall. Vecchio: All right. Case closed, not another word of this to Frannie, all right? I'll tell her when the time is right. Fraser: Ah. Vecchio: Will you stop with the Ah Fraser: All right, all right. Ray, Should we - uh - Vecchio: Na, let her sit there and consider her crime. Fraser: I'm terribly sorry Franchesca. [Thatcher's office] Cloutier: So much detail after such a long flight. This Fraser's opened a big mess for us. Thatcher: Can we mitigate the damage? Cloutier: Nothing is beyond repair in the right hands. You know the office hasn't been the same without you Maggie. Ottowa misses you. Thatcher: Coffee? Cloutier: That's splendid. I've cleared my schedule to handle this case myself you know. And a chance to see my protégé how could I pass that up? Dief: Woof! Thatcher: Fraser! Constable Benton Fraser, RCMP Councilor Anri [Henri] Cloutier. Cloutier: I've heard much about you Fraser. Your heroics are going to cost us a lot of money. Fraser: What is this? If I may? [meaning the form he is handed] Cloutier: A simple form accepting responsibility for having caused the accident. Fraser: But I-I Cloutier: I have already done the ground work with Mr. Buxley's lawyer. He and I feel certain that a settlement can be reached. Fraser: Well, with all due respect sir, it would be wrong of me to sign this. Cloutier: Inspector Thatcher and I have dinner plans. Why don't you take the evening to consider the repercussions of your position. Thatcher: Ben, I'm sorry about dinner. I won't be too late. Fraser: Too late for what? Thatcher: Too late for - dinner. Dismissed. [Fraser is very confused] Shall we? [Fraser's building. Thatcher looks over the hall, takes in the noise, odors…in apartment Fraser is ironing his underwear. Knock at door] Fraser: Inspector! Thatcher: [hurrying in and has this 'safe at last' look]: Nice neighborhood, Fraser. Fraser: Thank you. Thatcher: You live like this? Fraser: Yes. Thatcher: Anyway, um…about what I said earlier in my office today. Uh, you see I called Ottowa, which given the particular circumstances, circumstances which I hold you entirely responsible for, anyway, um, I just didn't expect that he would be the one assigned. You see I um, in eight months working for him and in the course of that eight months, I'm sorry if I made it seem today like we…I'm sorry for the ruse. It's just that…there have been occasions in my career where I have found it necessary to um… Fraser: Deflect? Thatcher: Yes, there have been occasions in my carrier where I have found it necessary to deflect the attention of male superiors. And if I made it awkward or uncomfortable for you today I want to apologize. Fraser: There's no reason to apologize. I understand. Thatcher: Thank you. Now why are you being so stubborn about this? Fraser: About what? Thatcher: The settlement. Why won't you sign it. Fraser: Well if I could explain - Thatcher: Fraser. There will be no skin off your nose. The Canadian government won't bat an eye lash, all you have to do is sign it. Then you'll have the eggman out of your hair, I'll have Cloutier out of mine. Fraser: I can't. Thatcher: Why not? Just give me one good reason why not? [he fixes her an omelet] Marshack. It's delicious. Fraser: It's naturally low in cholesterol too. This is not ordinary farmer. I mean the quality of this egg suggests he is something of an artist- Thatcher: Oh, now I get it. In spite of the fact that he filed a law suit against you, you believe you can show him the error of his way, appeal to his conscious and save his soul for the pure pursuit of his god given talent. One day. One day to prove whatever it is your trying to prove. Fraser: One day as in? Thatcher: 24 hours. That's it and then you sign. Fraser: As in one day. [unknown] Marshack: That makes a good egg. Sneed: No doubt about it. A gold mine to someone who can get this to the mass market. Could be you boss. Marshack: I'm sold. Get him to sign over everything. Sneed: No problem.
Buxley: Uh oh, a little hormonal imbalance here baby. I think we're gonna stop with the Mozart and go back to the Shostakovich. Cause it's gonna lower your estrogen, okay? We'll think of something okay. Maybe Staffingarpelli. Hey, how you doing Sneed? Sneed: Mr. Marshack has assumed your debt and he wants his restitution. Have no choice. Buxley: Well uh, I'm sorry, you can't do this to me. Sneed: All you have to do is sign and you're free and clear. I'll even give you the pen. Buxley: Uh, you don't understand Sneed, this is all I got, okay? I really appreciate this uh-it's a very nice pen what is it a melblack? Sneed [to thug]: Come here, you hold him. [points gun at hen's head] Buxley: You wouldn't. Sneed: You want to try me? I've seen guys go down for their families for their girlfriends, even their dogs. But chickens? Buxley: Just give me the thing, I'll sign it, okay? Come on, come on, I'll sign it, give me the pen. Just leave the chickens alone. [Vecchio and Fraser are at the road having the trench opened] Vecchio: Well I did what any gentleman would do all right? I scratched the tickets her five dollars bought first. Besides possession is nine tenths of the law anyway. Fraser: Well possession affords one a prema facie argument for the retaining of the assets, the declaration of ownership Ray still would require a higher court. Vecchio: Well not in the Vecchio household. You think I'd be getting a cut if she was holding the winning ticket? Not a chance. Fraser: Huh. Vecchio: A feather? It certainly screams conspiracy to me Benny. Fraser: Notice the healthy sheen Ray and the yellow coloration of the tip? This feather could only come from one chicken. Vecchio: So let's go get him. You sure you want that wolf running around with all these chickens? Fraser: Well as long as they're not in possession of any milkduds, they should be fine Ray. Vecchio: He hasn't kicked that junk food habit yet? Fraser: Yeah, well you know they say it's harder than heroin. [farm] Sneed: Good afternoon. Something I can help you with? Vecchio: Yeah, where's the chicken man? Sneed: Mr. Buxley no longer lives here. Is there anything I can help you with? Fraser: Are you in any way connected with Mr. Buxley? Sneed: I'm the proprietor of this establishment. Vecchio: Well, that makes sense. Why hang around this dump when you figure to cash in on 10 million bucks. Fraser: Well he seemed pretty dedicated Ray. Sneed: What's this about? Vecchio: These are exhibits a and b. [the hen and rooster] Sneed: Hey, hey wait a second these are my chickens. What's the deal here. Vecchio: These chickens here are involved in a high profile crime, perpetrated by Lyndon Buxley. All the paper works in order. If you guys got a complaint, take it up with Judge DeLuca. Fraser: Excuse me. I promise you sir, I will personally care for your fowl. You have nothing to be concerned about. Sneed: When do I get em back. Vecchio: When the case is closed. [parks Riv and heads down the block] Vecchio: I'll be right back. I'm just going to go cash my lottery ticket. [Fraser gets out and catches up] Why are you following me? Fraser: Well I'm not following you exactly Ray. I'm walking beside you. Vecchio: You're not going to leave me alone on this are you? Fraser: On what? Vecchio: Look Fraser, this isn't about she said this and I said that, okay? This is bigger than just who anted up. Fraser: Ah. You mean on the issue of who's entitled to the money. Vecchio: This is payback time, Fraser. This is for the time she ratted me out for smoking a cigar in the basement with David Contee, for the time she told Paula Scriptiano that I was a jr. for the time she didn't show up at the Academy for my graduation because she had to go see Donny Osmond at the Beacon, okay? This isn't my victory, Fraser, this is cosmic justice. Fraser: Ah. I see. Vecchio: No you don't. I don't even know hwy I try. [sounds of broken glass and Buxley running off] Hey! Buxley, he smashed my window! Fraser: The chickens are gone. Vecchio: Who cares about the chickens, he smashed my window. Fraser: Well the chickens are gone Ray. Vecchio: Oh good riddance to the chickens. I didn't like them anyway. [to his car] Ah, it's okay baby, it's not personal. The guy just had a deep desire to get to his chickens. Fraser: Well the chickens were his life Ray, it's understandable he'd go to great lengths to retrieve them. Vecchio: There's no excuse for one man to damage another mans fine vintage automobile over a couple of oven roasters. [Fraser is looking at the paper the chickens cage was on… the paper with the chicken droppings on it…] Ah that's disgusting. What are you doing? Fraser: Well he has written something on this book. Raptures plus three. Timber Wolves minus two. Kings, Clippers plus eight. Vecchio: Yeah, those are basketball teams and this is a betting sheet. You see, those are the teams he things are going to win and that's the point spread. Yeah, but this guys a chump. Who would take the Clippers even with points. Fraser: Well perhaps a man more efficient at farming than he is at gambling. [Ray gets in the car] Where are we going? Vecchio: To visit a family friend. [Marshack's] Marshack: What do you mean the cops took the chickens. Those are the birds laying the golden eggs. Without them all I got is a couple of broken down buildings and a worthless piece of land. Sneed: I didn't know, I'm sorry. Marshack: Sorry don't cut it. I made a deal for Buxley's farm and everything on it. Without the chickens, all bets are off. Now get out of here. Fix it. [a hotel room] Buxley: I know, I know. I hate the city too. Come on, let's forget about it okay? You just got to eat your food. I know I know I know, you're used to the best of food. I gave it to you all your life. Baby, I'm sorry, okay? Come on, you force yourself to eat it cause it's nutritious. Okay? You don't have to like it. All right, all right sweet heart. Evie, daddy's gonna get you your real food, okay? You take care of Evie, okay Adam? I don't know how I'm gonna do it, but I'm gonna get you real food. [barber shop] Vecchio: My old man used to come here all the time. He'd tell my mother we were going to the park but we'd always end up here. I never once saw him cut his hair. Fraser: You didn't like to see his hair being cut? Vecchio: No! This is Burt Block's place. He's a bookie. He's been around hair. He knows this town inside and out. [inside the shop] Burt: You grew up nice. Use to be the softest kid I ever know. His old man be listening to the radio and screamin for those Nicks to run faster and little Ray would be there in the corner stuffin his face with crullers all chubby and-- Vecchio: Burt! Burt. I think that's a little more information than my friend needs to know. Vecchio: Uh, listen. One more thing. Did my old man ever win, even once? Burt: Ray! That would have spoiled his fun! [Romantic Restaurant] Thatcher: I don't know if this is a good place to talk business, it's a little dark. Cloutier I can see everything I need to. Thatcher: I spoke to Constable Fraser, I think he might be ready to
come around.
Thatcher: Yes, well we both know I like to keep my personal life personal. Cloutier Don't underestimate your potential Meg. Remember your ambition. You've done well so far. You could do even better with the right connections. With a friend to help pave the way. Thatcher: Fraser! Fraser: Ah. Inspector. I thought it important to inform you there's been an emergency. Thatcher: Emergency? Fraser: Yes. With your car. Thatcher: What about it. Fraser: It's on fire. Cloutier: Oh please! Fraser: No, it is. It's burning away. All the other cars feel threatened. Cloutier: You're making this up. Fraser: Yes, I am Cloutier: [to Thatcher] Perhaps I didn't make myself clear. Thatcher: No Andre you made yourself perfectly clear. Now let me make myself clear. I'm sick of your innuendoes. I didn't join the RCMP to get chased around a desk. I'm going with Constable Fraser, you do what you want about that. Fraser: Sorry to have interrupted your dinner. I'm sorry about the ruse, but I believe I've determined the cause of the accident other night. I think Lyndon Buxley will reconsider his legal action. Thank you kindly. [Buxley's hotel room] Buxley: What are you doing here? Fraser: I assumed you wouldn't want to feed Adam and Eve anything but the best. Buxley: Do me a favor, okay? Just leave me alone, all right? Until I sue you. Fraser: I'd rather help you if I may. Buxley: What are you? Crazy/ I'm suing you for 10 million dollars and you want to help me? Why? Thatcher: That's what I wanted to know. Buxley: Who's this woman? Fraser: This is my superior officer, Inspector Margaret Thatcher. Lyndon, I know the kind of trouble you're in. I know you needed money to pay off your bookie, that's why you sold your farm in the first place. That's why you set up that hole in the road and that's why you tried to sue me. Thatcher: He set up the hole? Fraser: Yes. He planned to drive into it and then blame it on Cook County but when I interfered with his plan, it provided him the opportunity to sue an entire government. And that's why he went back and covered up the trench. Thatcher: You should be ashamed of yourself. Buxley: Yeah, I know. If you'll excuse me I gotta go feed my chickens, okay? Thatcher: That's it? After all that, we're gonna let him go? Fraser: I don't see what else we can do. Thatcher: Interfere! You always interfere. [Buxley runs out with the chickens and is caught by Sneed] Buxley: No! Sneed: Yes. I'm taking you to see Mr. Marshack.
Fraser: Interfering. [she climbs aboard] Thatcher: Where's he taking us? Fraser: I wouldn't hazard a guess. Do you still have your cellular phone with you? [she holds it up] May I? Thatcher: Permission granted. Fraser: Thank you. Thatcher: What are you waiting for? Fraser: Well I don't want my hesitation to appear unprocedual ma'am it's just I don't know what cellular provider you use and since we're likely to be on a transponder boundary line, there'll undoubtedly be a nominal expense accrued. Nominal I say- Thatcher: Just do it! Fraser: Uh, yes. Vecchio [on the other end of the phone]: Vecchio. Thatcher: Hurry up the batteries running low. Fraser: Ray, it's Fraser. Buxley has been kidnapped [phone beeps] Inspector Thatcher and I stowed away aboard the kidnapper's vehicle. Vecchio: So where are you? Fraser: We're in a truck. Vecchio: Well where's the truck? Fraser: It's on a road Ray. Thatcher: Hurry up! Fraser: What? Apparently the batter is running low. [beep beep] Vecchio: All right look, give me a license plate number. Fraser: Yes, I only saw it for a split second but it's Illinois plate five zero six nine [beep beep] Oh dear. Vecchio: Hello? Hello? Elaine. Oh, could you get me a number on a truck? 5-0-6-9. Elaine: That's it? There could be hundreds of matches. Vecchio: Yeah well that's all we got. [Cicero Dairy Corp] Buxley [who is hanging above a large vat of something]: What do you want from me? Marshack: Just what you owe me, chicken man., Buxley: You already got my farm. I don't have anything else. Marshack: I want your research Lyndon. Not your live stock. Buxley: I don't know what you're talking about. Marchack: Why you kidnapped two of your most valuable birds, I want em back. If you could do that for me huh? Buxley: I don't think so. Never. Marshack: Never say never Lyndon. Sneed: Mr. Marshack, we got trouble. [on the monitor we see Fraser and Thatcher in the building, shortly after that, they are locked in the incubation chamber] Fraser: Oh dear. Thatcher: We're gonna burn up in here. Fraser: I think that's unlikely ma'am. This would appear to be a late model Akison Type incubator with a maximum out put of 50 degree Celcius or 100 degrees Farenheight. Thatcher: So were safe then. Fraser: Oh yes, yes. Well. That is until the carbon dioxide we exhale combines with the sulfuric acid, the amonia and the nitrix oxide which without proper ventilation can be a common hazard of incubators of this type. Thatcher: And then? Fraser: And then we die. Thatcher: Any chance of getting that door open? Fraser: I don't think so. It would appear to be double reinforced steel with a electronic lock. Thatcher: Which means? Fraser: Which means they brought an extraordinary good door. Thatcher: Why? Fraser: Perhaps they foresaw this exact situation. Thatcher: Perhaps they were just trying to prevent the chicks from escaping. Fraser: Perhaps. [27th] Frannie: How come you told everyone else in the world that ticket won. Except me. Vecchio: Uh, it slipped my mind. Frannie: Twenty thousand dollars slipped your mind? Vecchio: Look if I'da thought about it I'da told you but I didn't think about it, okay? Frannie: That money is half mine you know. Vecchio: Look, no it is not. Now will you leave me alone? I got seven hundred license plate numbers I have to go through here? Frannie: Don't wiggle out of this Ray. Vecchio: Look, you ask anybody all right? They'll tell you it's my money. You ask anybody. Frannie: Ok, lets. Huey. What do you think? Huey: Even Steven. It was your money. Frannie: Elaine. How bout it. Elaine: Ray, pay the woman her money. Frannie: The rest of you. How many of you think I deserve half the winnings. Come on let's see some hands. Vecchio: Ah, thank you for your support. It's still mine. Frannie: You're such a rat. Vecchio: All right, this has got to be the one. Elaine, get me an address on ------Dairy and radio me in my car. Frannie: Will you stop walking away from me? Vecchio: I'm walking can't you see me walking and pretty soon, I'll be driving. Frannie: Well then, I'm coming with you. Vecchio: Oh no you're not. Frannie: So try and stop me. [dairy] Fraser: I think I found the contact points for the release mechanism. Thatcher: If we ever do get out of here, I'm going to have to find a new career. Fraser: Well I hope I haven't been in anyway responsible for that ma'am. Thatcher: No, it's not your fault. That was something I should have done a long time ago. We're Mounties. We're suppose to have ideals. Of course, if we're dead Mounties, our ideals won't mean much will they? Fraser: Huh. Thatcher: Something? Fraser: Well I think it's possible to bypass the release mechanism. I need a piece of wire about 7 centimeters in length. Thatcher: 7 centimeters? Fraser: yes, 7 centimeters. Thatcher: Take off your tunic. Fraser: I beg your pardon? Thatcher: Take off your tunic, Constable, that's an order. [he does and she removes a piece of wire from the collar] 7 centimeters. Fraser: Good thinking ma'am. [he puts the wire in the lock, then makes like he's being electrocuted] Thatcher: Fraser! Fraser: Just joking. [meanwhile, back to the eggman] Sneed: You should have done it the easy way Lyndon. Buxley: I love my chickens. Sneed: It's not too late. Buxley: No! Sneed: I'm asking you one more time Buxley, where are the chickens. Buxley: You want to know where I left those chickens? Suck an egg. [he's dunked in the vat] Thatcher: Fraser, if this doesn't work and uh we don't make it out of here…as your commanding officer, I just wanted to say that, as someone you work for, I just wanted to say that as someone you work with…I just wanted to tell you… Fraser: [the lock clicks open] I got it. You were saying? Thatcher: Another time. Buxley: All right, all right, all right! I'll tell you, okay? Sneed: That's better. We ain't got all day, Lyndon. Well? Well? Buxley: I can't do it. I can't do it! Sneed: Put him down. Buxley: No. you heartless pig. Sneed: You had your chance. Buxley: Okay, I'll tell you. Sneed: Well? Well? Put him down and leave him down. Buxley: I can't do it. I love my chickens. Fraser: We need a diversion. Can you throw? Thatcher: ????? over 300 games. Fraser: That's good. Hit the red button [hands her an egg] [Fight noises, she's throwing eggs and hits the button] Buxley: Way to go Mountie! Frannie: What kind of man cheats his own sister, Ray? Vecchio: I didn't cheat you. Frannie: What did you think you'd do, start lighting cigars with hundred dollar bills and I wouldn't notice? Vecchio: I don't smoke. Frannie: That's not the issue. You're avoiding. Avoiding and stealing. What do you think Ma's gonna say? [gun shots and Ray pulls his gun, the lottery ticket falls to the floor and the chickens start eyeing it] Vecchio: [has his gun muzzle against Sneed's neck]: Not so fast pal. Unless you want to play chicken. Fraser: Ray! Vecchio: Evening Benny. Inspector. Fraser: Well it's very good of you to come. May I? [takes cuffs] Vecchio: Ah, no problem. You know, I been thinking Benny, I can't take the guilt any more. I'm gonna give half that money to Franchesca. [Frannie screams in the other room] Watch him. Fraser: Which came first Mr. Sneed, the chicken or the egg. Vecchio [screams from the other room]: No!!! Thatcher: I'll watch him, you go. Fraser: Thank you ma'am. [to Sneed] I'll tell you later. Ray! [Fraser finds both of them standing and staring at the winning ticket that has been pecked to death] [Walking down the street] Vecchio: For saving the life of egg farmer Lyndon Buxley and his prize hens, for protecting Canada against an opportunistic legal acts, sounds pretty good Benny. Say, who's this guy Henry Clouteer? Fraser: That's Anri Cloutier. He's with Legal affairs office in Ottowa. Vecchio: The guy gives you a commendation and you don't tell me about it? I gotta read about it on page four? Fraser: Well Inspector Thatcher deserves all the credit as my commanding officer. Vecchio: Which brings me to another subject I'd like to talk about. Fraser: Fire away. Vecchio: Women. Fraser: Enough. Vecchio: (hehehehe) No, I'm serious. You mean to tell me you haven't noticed Inspector Thatcher is a good looking woman? Fraser: Well that wouldn't be appropriate for me to comment on, Ray. Vecchio: So you do notice. Fraser: I didn't say that. Vecchio: Ah. Fraser: Ah? What do you mean 'Ah'. Vecchio: Oh nothing, just 'Ah'. Fraser: No, you must mean something by 'Ah'. Vecchio: Oh I think this 'Ah' thing is a pretty good trick. Fraser: Well it's not a trick, Ray. Vecchio: Oh like you didn't use it to make me feel guilty about the lottery ticket. Fraser: No, I didn't. Vecchio: Ah. Fraser: Honestly. Vecchio: Ah. Fraser: What you don't believe me? Vecchio: I didn't say that. Fraser: Ah. End
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