| An Invitation to Romance
Summary from official site, www.duesouth.com via Wayback Machine An apparently simple task, the delivery of an envelope, turns dangerous when the recipient believes that Fraser is having an affair with his fiancée. When the envelope accidentally winds up in the hands of a rather exasperating woman, Fraser must follow her from City Hall to a bridal shop to a honeymoon hotel, all in hopes of recovering the missing missive. Oddly, the woman's betrothed fails to see the innocent explanation for why Fraser would be in a motel room with his fiancée, or worse yet, why he would be hiding under her wedding dress -- while she was wearing it. After a shoot out at the motel, Fraser and the bride to be, gown and all, must jump to safety into a garbage truck. However it seems to be merely a case of out of the frying pan and into the fire as the jealous boyfriend hauls them to the city dump for disposal. However, when Fraser doesn't return to work by the time expected, Ray springs into action -- covering for Fraser as the Consulate doorman. But when Fraser's tardiness finally becomes suspicious, Ray and Diefenbaker track Fraser to the City Dump where, after some discussion, and even more gunplay, the groom decides that he is ready to forgive and forget. Unfortunately, his conciliatory mood is shattered by the news that his fiancée may be in love with somebody else -- a man in a red uniform. Written by Deborah Rennard & Paul Haggis
Regular Cast
Guest Stars
Unofficial Transcript Invitation To Romance
Moffet: Image, Constable, that's what we are talking about here. The bases of all good diplomatic relationship isn't who you are but who the other side thinks you are. Now, I've worked very hard to create an image of Canadians we can all be proud of. Fraser: Yes sir. Moffet: You, on the other hand, have been doing everything in your power to wreak havoc on that image. Fraser: Sir? Moffet: All this do-gooding, Constable. Picking up litter, rescuing kittens, saving people's lives. What sore of message do you suppose that sends to the Americans. Fraser: That we care sir? Moffet: Exactly and people don't fear people who care. Fraser: I'm sorry, sir, I wasn't aware that we wanted the Americans to fear us. Moffet: That's what every country wants, Fraser. No one takes you seriously if they think they can push you around. Do you think I would have risen this high if people weren't afraid of me? [to tailor] When can it be ready? Tailor: Wednesday. Moffet: Nonsense, I need it this afternoon. Tailor: I'll have to take em with me. Moffet: Well get on with it man. Get on with it! There, did you see that? That's another American tailor that fears me. Fraser: I could see that, sir. Moffet: That's what Canada needs. Fraser: To be feared by tailors? Moffet: Along with every other American. Fraser: Do we have a plan to accomplish this sir? Moffet: Yes, but I'm not at liberty to reveal it at this moment. The important thing is that you not undermine our efforts with all this nice guy stuff. Fraser: Yes sir. As to my assignment. Moffet: Assignment, yes. I need for you to deliver a very important document. [ransacks his office looking for it] Ah, now I don't want to say that the relationship between our two countries rests on it's safe arrival but if something were to go wrong, I can't speak as to the consequences. Fraser: It looks like a party invitation sir. Moffet: Clever, no? Just make sure someone gives you a uh, get a a ... Fraser: Signature? Moffet: Signature, yes and get the balloons on the way home. We're counting on you doing your part to make sure our reception is a success. You know your duties? Fraser: Doorman, sir. Moffet: That what you do? Fraser: Yes sir. Moffet: Well, keep up the good work. Carry on. Oh and Constable, God speed. Fraser: Thank you sir. [as he passes Jasmine's desk, he shields the letter from her sight, goes into his office] Oh. I have to go out for awhile Diefenbaker on a very important assignment. So what I'd suggest....Diefenbaker? Oh please, don't do this to me now. [searches office] Dief? There's nothing more frustrating than playing hide and seek with a deaf wolf. Fraser: Jasmine, have you seen Diefenbaker? Jasmine: No Fraser, I haven't. [signals to look under the desk]. Fraser: Ah, well, if you do would you tell him I had to go out for a while. Jasmine: Sure thing. [on the street Fraser forgets all that Moffet said] Fraser: Can I give you a hand across the road ma'am? Lady: Well aren't you the kind young man. Where you from? Fraser: Well ma'am, I'm from...I'd rather not say. [helps her across street, return trip helps nuns] Katherine [Listening to and repeating back a French tape] Could you tell me how to get to the nearest post office? Veggie Dog Vendor: Two blocks up on your right. Katherine Burns: I'm sorry, you'll have to speak up. I'm trying to learn French and it's difficult to do two things at once, especially if they're in two different languages. Veggie Dog Vendor: Two blocks up -- Katherine Burns: Oh thanks anyway, I'll find it myself -- Oh damn [truck bearing down on Katherine Burns and she doesn't notice it honking at her, Fraser who just completed his third street crossing, knocks her out of the way, she lands on top of him] Fraser: Oh I beg your pardon. Oof! Katherine Burns: What in God's name do you think you're doing right in broad daylight! I don't know where you get the idea that you can just do what ever you please. Well you just tackled the wrong woman, mister. [she is still in street, he is trying to watch for traffic. She is piling all her packages and envelopes into his arms] Fraser: Well actually I think you misunderstand-- Katherine Burns: I misunderstand? Oh that's very nice. That's very nice that you accuse me of not understanding. I'm too rash, too emotional, incapable of reason, huh? Fraser: Well, no, I didn't mean that. What I meant was-- Katherine Burns: Well let me tell you something about me. When I want something, I ask, when somebody says something, I listen. I don't grab people and throw them to the ground when they're trying to learn French and if I do, well at least I apologize. Fraser: Well I-I-I'm terribly sorry but you misunderstand, you see you were about to be hit by a truck. Katherine Burns: Oh. Why didn't you just say that in the first place, I'm not a mind reader. [picking up mail, his letter gets in with hers] Fraser: Oh dear. Um... [but she's already gone] [to Veggie Dog Vendor] Excuse me did you happen to see a young lady with a bright blue jacket and a floral skirt carrying a -- post office. Thank you, thank you kindly. Katherine Burns: Oh that's very kind of you. Excuse me, you don't mind if I cut in do you? I'm getting married tomorrow. Oh thank you. Fraser: Excuse me. Katherine Burns: Oh hello. This is that man I was telling you about. Hello. Would you mind if I went in front of you? You see, I'm getting married tomorrow and I'm running very late. Oh thank you. Fraser: I'm afraid you have my letter. Katherine Burns: Your letter? Oh no, These are my letters. Don't you remember they fell when you tackled me. Fraser: Uh, no, you see I had a letter also only mine didn't have a stamp on it. Katherine Burns: Oh then you're in the wrong line. You buy stamps over there. Excuse me sir. Sir: Yeah, yeah, go ahead. Fraser: Uh, no actually you don't understand. Or rather, let me think of another way of saying this. Katherine Burns: Excuse me. Sir 2: Sure. Sure. Fraser: Now you see -- Sir 2: Hey, hey, wait your turn, buddy. Katherine Burns: You know I really don't think you should be cutting in front of all these nice people. They were generous enough to let me pass but I'm afraid you're upsetting them. Oh here, I'll mail it for you. Fraser: Well that's very kind of you but actually I need my letter back. Katherine Burns: But you just gave it to me. Just a second, this is my letter. Fraser: Well yes, it is -- Katherine Burns: What were you doing with my letter? Oh, you're following me aren't you. Fraser: Exactly. Katherine Burns: Oh, well that's very flattering but I have to tell you that I'm already spoken for. And I'm afraid my fiancée is very jealous. So I think it's best if we never see each other again. [she gives all the envelopes to the clerk who promptly closes his window] [Ray is driving Fraser to the post office] Fraser: I appreciate this Ray. [They get out of car] Let me get the door for you. Vecchio: Look he's a Mountie, okay? Mounties do not lie. If he says it's his letter, it's his letter. PO Clerk: I don't care if he's Sgt. Preston, he's not getting the letter. Fraser: Ray perhaps -- Vecchio: Benny, let me handle this alright? Let me see your driver's license pal. Female PO worker [whispering] Hey, hey, over here. Come here. Are you looking for a letter from the Canadian Consulate? PO Clerk [to Ray]: Do I look like I'm driving? Look, once a letter is deposited it becomes government property. It's in our care until it reaches it's designated destination. Fraser: Yes. [she hands him the letter] Oh, no, I wouldn't want you to get into any trouble. Female PO worker: I get off at four. Fraser: Well then I won't keep you. You must have a lot to do. Thank you kindly. PO Clerk [to Ray]: So how many times do I have to tell you it can't be done. Vecchio: Yeah well if I find your mail truck parked in front of a hydrant, don't expect me to cut you any slack. [to Fraser] There's absolutely no way to get that letter back. Fraser: It's alright Ray. Vecchio: How did you do that? [Riv] Vecchio: Did I mention it's my day off? Fraser: Several times. Consulate line is still busy. Vecchio: I thought I did, but then I became confused when I found myself driving around delivering mail. Fraser: Well this isn't just mail Ray, this is a highly sensitive Canadian document. Vecchio: Oh! You guys planning an invasion? Fraser: Well, I'm not entirely sure. I think I may have said too much already. Vecchio: Well don't do it today alright? Cause I'm going to be sitting on my couch enjoying the basketball game and the tip off's in five minutes. Fraser: 7-4-6 West Lakeside Place. That wouldn't be on your way home would it? Vecchio: No. [in front of 746 West Lakeside Place] Fraser: I'll just be a minute. Vecchio: All right, I'm counting down Fraser. One, two, three, four, Fraser: Technically that's counting up. Vecchio: Get the hell out of here -- nine, ten Delivery Guy: This is the place. Third trip today. Katherine Burns: [on phone]I don't understand what the problem is. [to Fraser] What are you doing here? Fraser: I am as surprised as you are ma'am. Delivery Guy: Delivery for Ellis, where do you want em? Katherine Burns:[to Delivery Guy] Oh any where. [to Fraser] Please you have to go away. [into phone] No, of course not you. You are away. Do you not understand nothing. Fraser: Allow me to explain. I have a letter-- Katherine Burns: Oh? The one you accused me of taking? Fraser: Yes. Katherine Burns: You see you had it all along. Well let's just say you apologized and leave it at that shall we? Fraser: No! No, you see I have to deliver it into the hands... Katherine Burns: You want to give it to me? Oh, no, we've been through that already, I'm not going to take it a second time. [phone] Yes, I'm still here. Listen, we both know why you're doing this and if I was available I might be intrigued but I'm not so you'll just have to leave. Fraser: I honestly didn't know this was your address. Katherine Burns: Don't be ridiculous, it's written right there on the envelope. Fraser: Ma'am, all I want to do is deliver this letter-- Katherine Burns: Alright, I'll take your letter but no matter how well it's written, I'm not going to change my mind. I'm getting married tomorrow. Yes, I know you know that. Alright, I'll be there at two. Oh -- but just give me your number incase I get lost. 5-5-5-0-8-6-6. 5-5-5-0-8-6-6. 5-5-5-0-8-6-6. Do you have a pen? Fraser: Yes. And if you could just sign? Katherine Burns: Oh dear, what was the number? Fraser: 5-5-5-0-8-6-6. Katherine Burns: How do you know the number of my bridal shop? Fraser: Well I didn't know it was the number of your bridal shop. Katherine Burns: Oh so you just pulled that number right out of the air. Okay, here, now is there anything else? [signs receipt, he takes it and she shoves him out the door] Fraser: Uh, no and I assure you ma'am -- Nigel: Who's down there? Katherine Burns: Oh, no, now you've done it. If my fiancée finds you here, he'll never understand. He's very jealous. Fraser: Well there's absolutely Katherine Burns: Well then you're a lot more broad minded then he is. Bye bye now. Have you seen our wedding license application dear? I thought I put it--oh, here it is. Nigel: Who was that? Katherine Burns: Oh no one dear. A Mountie. He means nothing to me. Nigel: And what's that suppose to mean? He means nothing to you? Katherine Burns: You see an envelope with a number written on it? It was right here. Nigel: Just a second. What did he want? Katherine Burns: You really have nothing to worry about. He's a total stranger. If I hadn't been lying on top of him, I hardly would have recognized him. Nigel: You were lying on top of him? Katherine Burns: What is the number of my bridal shop? Nigel: 5-5-5-0-8-6-6. Katherine Burns: Oh yes! Thank you sweetheart. Nigel: Wait, wait. Forget about that. What's this lying on top of who. Katherine Burns: Now don't get all worked up. He was just being a gentleman. If he'd landed on top he would have crushed me. You saw how big he was. Vecchio: Four hundred and twenty two, four hundred and twenty three. Fraser: I'm sorry it took so long Ray. Miss Burns is not the easiest person to --[Ray pulls out] oh dear. Oh dear. Ellis, must be her fiancée, poor man. [puts it in reveres and parks again] Vecchio: Just get out of here. Fraser: Alright. No more Mr. Nice Man. Katherine Burns: Now see there you go again jumping to conclusions. You really need to work on controlling your temper. Nigel: Come on. The guy picks you up in the street I have a right to know who he is. Is that asking to much? Katherine Burns: Dear, if I knew his name -- [bell rings] I would tell you. Nigel: You don't even know his name? Katherine Burns: Well I really didn't think it would be appropriate to ask. After all I hardly know him and I did have a few other things on my mind. I mean we are getting married tomorrow. Nigel: I just want to know what happen, okay? What happen. Katherine Burns: Nothing dear. But if it'll make you happy I promise never to see the man again. [opens door, there stands Fraser] Fraser: Ah, Miss Burns, uh, I just realized I made a mistake in delivering that letter to you. Nigel: Another guy sending you letters? Fraser: Uh, no, if I could explain-- Nigel: Don't you lie to me. You said you gave it to her. Katherine Burns: I'm sure it's just an innocent infatuation, dear. [to Fraser] Isn't that true? Fraser: No. Nigel: What? Katherine Burns: Really? Nigel: How long has this been going on? Katherine Burns: Just since this morning. If you don't believe that then I don't know what else to say. Oh there's my cab. Would you please explain it to him? Fraser: Well I would like to explain it to someone. Katherine Burns: Thank you. Fraser: You see sir, all I'm attempting to do is deliver a letter to you. Nigel: Then give me the letter. Fraser: Oh dear, uh, she took it with here didn't she? This really is not going particularly well. If you will excuse me sir I have to pursue your fiancée otherwise I might not be able to catch her. And I Thank you kindly for your patience. Fraser: Ma'am! We have to follow her. Vecchio: Who? [trying to listen to the game on the radio] Fraser: She's in that cab. Perry: What was that all about? Nigel: Follow her. Perry: Oh come on, Nigel, not again. Nigel: If there's nothing going on, she's got nothing to worry about, right? Just follow her. Mrs. McDuffy: Excuse me sir, if there's nothing else I'll be leaving sir. Nigel: Alright dear Mrs. McDuffy. Thank you. Fraser: I think she's just up ahead. Vecchio: Fraser, why are we following this woman. You delivered the right envelope to the wrong person at the right address. In my book two out of three is pretty damn good. Fraser: The Consulate line is still busy. [basketball game is playing in the background]: ...did you see that! Vecchio: No! No! I didn't see it. Why? Because I'm not at home, that's why. Here give me that form, I'll sign it. What's his name? Fraser: N.J. Ellis but I don't think that would be acceptable. Vecchio: Nigel J. Ellis? Fraser: You know him? Vecchio: Yeah, Ellis disposal. The guys dirtier than the garbage he hauls. Toxic spills, illegal dumping. WE tried to nail him but he's got so many politicians in his pocket he walks with a limp. I can't believe that's the guy you're delivery invasion plans too. Fraser: I can't believe it's the same person. Oh, there. There. There she is. [pulls in behind the cab. I promise you I won't be more than one minute. Vecchio: [announcer: I'm not sure I can even describe it!]: Commentate. You're the commentator! Katherine Burns: I told you, I have to pick up the license now, the wedding is tomorrow. Clerk: and I've told you I can't issue it unless both parties are present. Katherine Burns: Well, if you don't issue it, we can't get married and since we're getting married tomorrow you have very little choice in the matter. I don't know why you can't see that. Clerk: You see where it says "Bride and Groom must appear in person?" Katherine Burns: If you keep repeating yourself we're not going to get anywhere. Fraser: Excuse me. Katherine Burns: Oh God! Don't' tell me you want you're letter back. Fraser: If you would just look in your purse. I think you wrote a phone
number on it.
Katherine: Oh don't be ridiculous, does he look like my fiancée? Clerk: Then I'll have to ask you to step aside so I can help these people. Katherine: Okay, fine. Woman in line: If you don't want him, I'll take him. Man with woman in line: Honey! Woman in line: Look at him! Katherine: You see what you did? Fraser: Well I fail to understand how my not being your fiancée prevented you from getting your license. Katherine: Oh that's ridiculous, if you were my fiancée I'd have the license right now wouldn't I and they say men are the logical one. Alright, you'll just have to do it. Fraser: I'm sorry, do what? Katherine: The office closes in fifteen minutes. Nigel can't get down here in that time, you'll just have to tell them you're my fiancée. Fraser: No, I couldn't do that. Katherine: You want your letter back? Fraser: Well, yes, but I'm not about to lie to a public official. Katherine Burns: Alright, then don't say anything. I'll do the talking. Excuse me, I found my fiancée. Clerk: You just told me he wasn't your fiancée. Katherine: I was mistaken. I didn't recognize him. Clerk: What's your name? Katherine: He can't hear you, he's mute. Fraser: I believe you mean deaf. Katherine: Oh yes, thank you sweetheart Clerk: You're marrying a deaf-mute Mountie and you didn't recognize him? Fraser: Perhaps I can explain. Clerk: If he's deaf-mute, why is he talking? Katherine: Now you're criticizing the handicapped? Well I think your superior will be very interested to know that you refuse to give marriage certificates to the physically challenged. God knows their lives are difficult enough without insensitive bureaucrats like yourself preventing them from getting married. And if that's not enough - Clerk: Alright, alright, alright just take the damned thing. Katherine: Oh thank you, that's very sweet of you. Fraser: Thank you kindly. Excuse me ma'am, you forgot to -- [she has already jumped in the waiting cab and driven off] [in front of bridal shop] Fraser: If you want to go home Ray... Vecchio: Na, Na, I'm having the time of my life! Fraser: I should be just a minute. [thinks it over] No, no I probably won't you better go home. No! Wait! Ray? If you could drop by the Consulate and just explain to them that I'll be a little late. Thank you kindly Ray! [bridal shop] Perry [on phone]: Nigel it's me, yeah, she's alone. She's here and she's alone. Now can I get out of here? I'm telling you it's a waste of - yeah, fine. I'll stick around. Yeah. Katherine: I don't recall saying anything about a hoop. Tailor: Oh yes, I remember it was on the twelfth fitting you said put a hoop in it. Katherine: Oh don't be ridiculous, why would I say such a thing. Tailor: Perhaps because you wanted a hoop. You see I wrote hoop here. Katherine: Well maybe you wanted a hoop, it's your writing. How could it be what I wanted when I don't want it. That doesn't make any sense now does it? Tailor: Which is why I didn't put a hoop in it. Katherine: Oh how cleaver of you. Should I try it on? Tailor: Why not? Woman in bridal shop: May I help you? Fraser: Yes, I'm looking for a woman. A particular woman. Her name is Miss Burns. Would you happen to know if she's here? Woman in bridal shop: I haven't any idea. I don't work here. Fraser: Then how could you possibly help me? Tailor: Are you Miss Burns fiancée? Fraser: No. Tailor: You must be very pleased. She's in the fitting room. Fraser: Thank you. [to the curtain] Uh, Miss Burns, it's Constable Fraser. Katherine: You know, there's a very thin line between persistence and obsession. Fraser: Well I-I'm afraid you forgot to give me the letter. Katherine: Oh no! That man works for my fiancée. Fraser: Which man? [she grabs him by his Sam Brown belt and pulls him behind the curtain] Whoa! Katherine: There. Oh this is not good. This is not good at all. Perry: Ah Miss Burns! It's me Perry. Katherine: Which Perry is that? Perry: Perry, Perry ma'am. Katherine: Oh! Perry! What a pleasant surprise! What are you doing here? Perry: I'm following you ma'am. Katherine: Oh this is great. All I need is for him to find you here. Fraser: I'll just explain to him- Katherine: You met Nigel you think you can explain it to him? Perry: Who you talking to ma'am? Katherine: Oh, you Perry. Fraser: There doesn't appear to be any way out of here. Katherine: Get under my dress. Fraser: What? Katherine: Get under my dress. Fraser: You want me to get under your wedding dress? Katherine: Yes! Fraser: Isn't that bad luck? Katherine: Will you hurry up? Fraser: Oh no, I'm quite sure most folk lore - Katherine: If Nigel finds you in here he'll kill us both. Fraser: Right. Perry: I don't want to have to come in there ma'am but I promised your fiancée that - Katherine: Oh hello Perry. How are you? Perry: Fine Miss Burns. [he checks the room she was just in] Katherine: It looks lovely. [heads slowly for the door] I just want to see how it moves. Fraser: Sorry. Katherine: Sh! Fraser: You'll have to steer, I have my eyes closed. Katherine: Sh. Perry: Nigel? I got some bad news. [he watches her disappear down the hall. It's very obvious someone is under her skirt] Fraser: Is he following us? I can't see anything. Your fiancée he wouldn't be Nigel Ellis of Ellis Sanitation. Katherine: You know him? Fraser: Only by reputation. Katherine: Oh he's usually a very sweet man. It's just that when he gets jealous, there's no reasoning with him. Well, you know what the Swiss are like. [Consulate. Jasmine is answering the phone in three languages] Jasmine: Canadian Consulate. Vecchio: Excuse me, I -- Jasmine: Canadian Consulate. Vecchio: Hi, I'd like to -- Jasmine: Canadian Consulate. Thank you for holding. [Ray gives up and goes to write a note] Vecchio: Dear ... Canadians. Constable Fraser will be a little - Moffet: -- arriving any minute. Where the hell is he? [means tailor] Jasmine: I haven't been able to reach him sir - Moffet: How long does it take to do a simple task? Jasmine: He said he'd be back soon, sir. Moffet: Well, if he's not here in five minutes, he doesn't have to bother showing up at all. No more excuses. I will not be made to look like a fool. Vecchio [to Dief, thinking Moffet means Fraser]: Trouble. Tailor: I have the emperors clothes. Jasmine: He's here sir. Moffet: Well it's about time! Katherine: I can't believe he had me followed. I mean what does he think I'm going to run off and have an affair the day before we get married? I've never given him one reason to suspect me. Fraser: Well I'm not sure I was entirely hidden under your dress. Katherine: I mean even if I was a little bit attracted to you, I haven't acted on it have I? Fraser: No-no-no. You've been -- but this is something that you could possibly misinterpret. Katherine: I mean, not that I am attracted to you. Fraser: No I understand. Katherine: What am I going to do? I can't go home until he calms down. And we can't just keep driving around. Fraser: Well you must have some friends. Katherine: In Connecticut. Fraser: What about family. Katherine: Hong Kong, Gestad, Portoffino and Terminal Island. Uh, tax evasion. It's all a misunderstanding. Fraser: I-I can see how that can happen. Katherine: Now we'll just have to go to your place. Fraser: No! I don't think that would be a very good idea. Katherine: You don't? Fraser: No! I have a wolf. Katherine: Oh. Shame. Could you recommend a hotel? Cabby: Yeah, I know just the place. Fraser: Should I wait until... Katherine: No. That's okay. Oh you almost forgot your letter. Fraser: Oh, thank you. Katherine: You're not going to come back and ask me for it again are you? Fraser: No ma'am. Katherine: Oh. I was sorta getting used to it. Goodbye. Fraser: Goodbye. [gathers her skirts up and hands her the hem] Katherine: Thank you. Cabby: Where to? Fraser: The Canadian Consulate. [they take off, he discovers it's still the wrong letter] We have to go back. [gets out and goes into the office at the hotel] I believe you have a Katherine Burns registered here? Bernie: I figured you'd be here soon. Can't have a honeymoon without a groom. Fraser: Oh, no, no. I'm not the groom. My name is Constable Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted -- Bernie: The Mountie and the damsel in distress. My wife and I used to play that. Fraser: Uh, perhaps if I showed you my I.D. Bernie: Oh no-no no-no no need. I booked you into the honeymoon suit. Heart shaped waterbed, private lava pool and complimentary champagne and oysters. Fraser: You see it says right here "RCMP". Bernie: Nice touch. Fraser: No you don't understand. No -- Bernie: Have a good night. Fraser: Thank you. Bernie's wife: Bernie, what does that remind you of? Bernie: DeBuke? Fraser: Miss Burns? Katherine: I don't need any more champagne. Thank you these two are quite enough. Fraser: No it's me Constable Fraser. I'm afraid you gave me the wrong letter. Katherine: Oh, I was hoping you'd say that! Fraser: Uh, no, I , uh, think you are misreading...[she grabs him by the front of his jacket and pulls him into the room] Nigel: Where are they? Perry: Honeymoon suite. Come on Nigel, [Nigel is pulling out a shotgun] let's go home, huh? She isn't worth it! Nigel: Out of the way. Perry: Nigel, Don't listen to me. Come on, I'm serious man. Fraser: Alright. It seems to be stuck on the material. Perhaps I could get one of the maids to -- Katherine: You know what I'm thinking Constable? Fraser: Oh, there we go. [gets her zipper open] Katherine: It would serve him right if I did have an affair. Fraser: No that's just not going to come off. [rezips the dress] Well, goodnight now. Katherine: What about your letter. Fraser: Uh, it's not very important. Katherine: Won't you at least have one drink with me? Fraser: Well thank you but I don't drink. [he tries the door but can't get it open] This door seems to be -- Katherine: --locked. Fraser: Ah, yes. Safety first. Perhaps I'll check the fire routes. Katherine: You don't even drink champagne? Fraser: No I just never felt the need. You see I think all to often people drink in order to escape from uhh-[she kisses him] well uh, perhaps just one bottle. Katherine: That one's empty. The other ones by the bed. Fraser: But we really should discuss this. You see in times of emotional stress people tend to act irrational. Katherine: You seem to be under a lot of stress yourself. Fraser: Well that me be so. Katherine: So you may be acting irrationally. Fraser: Oh dear! [they fall onto the bed] Katherine: I sense you lied about my zipper. [she is unzipping her dress] [Nigel at the door, shoots the door making a very large hole in it and takes out the window pane with the same shot] Fraser: Thank God! Nigel: [puts one shell into the rifle] She loves me, [puts the second shell into the rifle]she loves me not. Katherine: Nigel? Is that you? Fraser: Jump! [out the window and into a dumpster] I think we're safe. [the dumpster is picked up and they are dumped into the truck] Oh I could be mistaken. Oh! Oh! I think the worse of it is over. Nigel [to driver he is tossing out of truck]: Coffee break. Katherine: My mother wanted me to wear her wedding dress. Of course, always the rebel I had to go out and have my own made. Now look at it. Fraser: Well you know, dry cleaners can do uh -- absolutely nothing with that. Katherine: I can't believe I'm spending the eve of my wedding riding in a garbage truck - with a total stranger I tried to seduce in order to escape being shot by my fiancée. I mean it doesn't get much worse than that does it? Fraser: Unfortunately it may. We haven't picked up any more garbage. Katherine: Oh, not having garbage dumped on us is a problem? Fraser: In out care, yes. It means the truck has finished it's rounds and it should be returning to the city dump. Which means it should be going due South. Katherine: Like my life. Fraser: But we've been traveling consistency northwest. I think someone's commandeered this vehicle. Katherine: Oh. [game is still on: ...game like this in my life!] Vecchio: [dressed in Fraser's uniform is acting doorman]: Yeah, me neither. [he opens door of car] Guy: Do you know what the score is? Vecchio: Shut up and get inside. [to woman still in car] Come on come on, ain't got all night! Moffet [looking down at 'Fraser'] Mental note. Send Fraser north for a little R & R. I think he's been spending too much time with the Chicago policeman. Vecchio: What are you looking at? You've never seen a Canadian before? [to Dief] How does he do this all day? And where the hell is he? Something must have gone wrong. He'd never be this late. [woof woof] [honk honk][to impatient car driver] What's the matter, your arms broken? Open the door yourself! [to Dief] Let me think this through. If Fraser were with a beautiful woman, where would he end up? [woof] No,no,no that's you and me. Come on, think. Okay, what is the most unglamorous unromantic place you could possibly take a woman? [Dief woofs one more time and takes off after a garbage truck] Oh come on. A garbage truck? Not even Fraser is that...Hold on Benny! [runs to Riv - follows the trash truck] Katherine: Tell me something Constable. Why is it everywhere I go disaster follows. Fraser: Maybe it's the company you keep. Katherine: I sure know how to pick em don't I? Fraser: Wee, I don't really know Nigel so it wouldn't be fair for me - Katherine: What's wrong with you? A man is trying to kill you. You're suppose to hate him! A woman throws herself at you, you're suppose to - you're suppose to do something. Fraser: Miss Burns, you are engaged to be married. Katherine: Were you always so good and honorable and perfect and what the hell are you doing? Fraser: It's just a loose thread. You wouldn't happen to have a pair of scissors - of course not. Katherine: Just yank it off. Fraser: Well, the button might fall off. Katherine: It's a button. Take a risk! Katherine: Alright! [yanks string, button falls off] huh. Katherine: Oh. Don't you ever do anything reckless or stupid or wild? Fraser: No. Well there --...No. Katherine: I guess that's what first attracted me to Nigel. He was just so... dangerous... Fraser: I can see how you'd find that exciting. Katherine: On our first date it was January and we drove to Atlantic City with the top down. He took me to this high stakes crap game in the back of the bar and we drank much to much champagne. And ended up jumping off the pier with all of our clothes on. It was just...it was romantic. Fraser: I thought I was in love once. And then later I thought maybe it was just an inner ear imbalance... We spent an evening snowed in on the side of a mountain watching the northern lights. It was probably the most dramatic moment of my life. But in the end I realized I'd learned two things. The first is... that it's easier to think you're in love than it is to accept that you're alone, and the second is that it's very easy to confuse love with subatomic particles bursting in the air. Well, I also learned that I should have my ears checked more regularly. Katherine: Funny the things that attract you to somebody. [goes to kiss him, the truck stops, garbage piles up on them]God I hate my life. [Nigel empties the truck onto the heap of garbage] Fraser: Good evening. Nigel: You got a lot of nerve, for a Canadian., Fraser: Ah yes, and it's quite reasonable that you're angry, given your understandable confusion but- Katherine: I love him! Fraser: No she doesn't. Katherine: Yes I do. Fraser: No she doesn't. She's just angry and attempting to make you
jealous. Which at this particular moment would seem to be a rather poor
choice.
Vecchio: Whoa! [Riv, Dief and Ray show up in a blaze of gun fire. Fraser: Detective Vecchio, Miss Burns. Miss Burns, Diefenbaker. Katherine: Hello. Vecchio: Congratulations. Hear you're getting married. [shooting] Nigel: Why do I never learn Perry. Perry: Shoot first, talk later. Vecchio: You don't want to know why I'm wearing your uniform? Fraser: I just assumed it was something personal. [shots] Perry: Come on Nigel, there are three of them now. What are you going to do, kill them all because some woman was running around on you? Nigel: Yeah, watch and learn. Fraser: Mr. Ellis! I want to assure you Katherine has been completely faithful to you. Katherine: except the part on the waterbed. Vecchio: Waterbed? Fraser: It was entirely innocent. Fraser: Yeah, big shock there. Fraser: Unfortunately if you don't believe this there's nothing I can say to convince you of it. Vecchio: What? No Mountie stories? No Inuit tales? Fraser: You can never know what's in another persons heart. You can only know what's inside your own. So look inside your heart. Do you love Katherine? Nigel: Why do you think I want to kill her? Fraser: ah. Vecchio: That's it? Fraser: Well unfortunately there's nothing you can do to prove a virtue, Ray. Nigel: I'm out of shells. Give me your gun. Perry: No. Nigel: I said, give me your gun. Perry: No. Fraser: He's not going to listen to reason. How many bullets you got left Ray? Fraser: One. [fires it into the air] I'm not going to shoot my car. I blew up the last one for you and I'm not doing it again. Fraser: Well actually, that's not what I had in mind. Vecchio: Good, cause I wasn't going to do it anyway. Fraser: Well I know that Ray, what I had in mind was you and I creating some kind of diversion while Katherine made a run for that shoot over there and slide down to safety. Well unfortunately you're out of bullets. Vecchio: I lied. Fraser: Oh well in that case do you think you can get a clean shot of the rear bumper? Vecchio: No! Nigel: They look up here and see us like this, what are they going to think? Vecchio: Here's what we're going to do. On the count of three, I'm gonna come up shooting. You throw a head of lettuce or whatever you do and the lady runs for the log ride. Ready? One. Two. Katherine: Oh this is ridiculous. Vecchio: Three. Katherine [she stands up]: You want to shoot me Nigel go ahead. You say you love me then threaten to kill me. I mean what the Hell does love mean to you? Just a bunch of particles bursting all over the place and when you try and touch it? There's nothing there. That's not love Nigel, that's a light show! Fraser: Um, perhaps I should explain what she's alluding to. Nigel: Well what do you expect? Alright, look at you. You're running around with this guy. You're in - you're in the wedding dress. I catch you in a motel together. Come on. Katherine: I wasn't the one who didn't trust you. Had you followed. Do you know how that feels? To love someone who doesn't even trust you? Nigel: You make me nuts. I'm sorry, you know that. You do that to me. You make me crazy. Katherine: No, you do that to yourself. Nigel: You really didn't do anything with this guy in the red jacket there? Katherine: I'm not going to tell you, Nigel. Vecchio: Tell him! Katherine: You either believe me or you don't there's no way to prove a virtue. Fraser: Perhaps you should try. Nigel: Oh, I believe you okay? [to Perry] you ever hear me say it before Perry? Perry: No, no, never before. Nigel I-am-sorry, okay? Come on baby, let's just go home. We gotta get married. Katherine: Oh, thank you Nigel. You don't know what that means to me. Unfortunately I've realized I don't love you so, no. Fraser: What? Nigel: What did you say? I stand up here, I pour my heart out to you. I apologize to you. I even offer to take you back and you throw it in my face. Is that right Katherine? Well guess what? To hell with you. [shoots, Fraser throws his hat, foiling the shot] Perry: Hey, uh, I'm just along for the ride. Vecchio: I can't believe you threw your hat. Fraser: Well, it's got an incredibly stiff brim. It's actually designed to Vecchio: We're in the middle of a crises and you throw your hat. Fraser: I'm sorry, Ray. Katherine: Hey! Look what I found. [it's the invitation] Fraser: Remarkable. [to Nigel] Would you sign for this please. [outside the Consulate] Fraser: Good night ma'am. Goodnight sir. [to Dief]And don't try to tell me you were attempting to circle around behind him because you never showed up. I thought you'd have nothing to say about that. [Taxi with Katherine in it pulls up] Katherine: Am I too late? Fraser: no. No, uh, I think the band is still playing. Katherine: Nigel couldn't use it. I was hoping maybe I could steal you away for a dance. Fraser: I'd love to but I - Katherine: Duty calls. Fraser: Such as it is. Katherine: Ah, maybe another time then. Vecchio: That was quite the buffet. No what I love most about Canadians? They're real easy to elbow out of the way. What are you doing? Fraser: Just a loose thread. You wouldn't happen to have a... Ray, could I impose on you... Vecchio: Yeah, go ahead. I'm kinda getting the hang of it anyway. Fraser: Thanks. [he goes inside, looks around and finds Katherine] May I? [they dance out the door into the garden] [Meanwhile, outside] Vecchio: You folks have a good time tonight? Male guest: Yes, thank you. Vecchio: That's great. That's nice. Excuse me, wait a second ma'am, do you have dinner rolls in that purse? Yes sir, you - up against the car. Come on, empty your pockets, let's go... End
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