| The Man Who Knew Too Little
Summary from official site, www.duesouth.com via Wayback Machine Fraser is assigned the job of escorting a pathological liar back to Canada to face, not surprisingly, perjury charges. Unfortunately Ian MacDonald's uncanny ability to cause trouble renders only one route possible -- Ray's car. So Ray, Fraser, Diefenbaker and Ian hit the road for what Ray feels confident will be an easy run. But it seems that a certain trio from north of the border are not too anxious to have Ian tell the truth. Like all Canadians, they're polite, well groomed and respectful. But unlike most Canadians, these three are killers. When our heroes narrowly avoid being killed in a wild shoot out at a roadside diner, they take to the back roads to avoid their pursuers. But things turn from bad to worse as Ray's car becomes stuck in the mud and Fraser and Ray free it only to have it stolen by Ian. Covered in mud and freezing in the middle of nowhere, Fraser and Ray must deduce where Ian would have gone and get there before the bad guys do. Regrettably, the bad guys have two advantages over Fraser and Ray: first, they have attached a tracking device to Ray's car and second, they don't have to hitchhike. When Fraser and Ray do track Ian down just moments before the bad guys arrive, a show-down ensues; one which can only be resolved by the sacrifice of Ray's beloved car. Only in this way can they bring Ian back to Canada to face the surprising truth. Written by Frank Siracusa
Regular Cast
Guest Stars
Unofficial Transcript The Man Who Knew Too Little [27th precinct] Elaine: Got the extraction papers? Fraser: They should all be in order. Elaine: Your bosses must be in a big hurry to get him back to Canada. Fraser: What did he do? Elaine: He's wanted for perjury. Apparently he was a key witness in a murder trial and he changed his testimony on the stand. It resulted in a mistrial. Fraser: Is he here? Elaine: Huey and Louie are bringing him over from lockup. I hear he's quite the character. He got pulled over for running a red light. He tried to convince them he was taking a short cut in the Cross Canada Rally. If he'd kept his mouths shut they might never have called the INS Vecchio: Elaine, can you find out what the weather's like in Florida. Elaine: Do I look like a travel agent? Vecchio: Hey Benny you ever been to the sunshine state? Fraser: I can't say that I have, Ray. Vecchio: Yo! You guys want to move or you want to find out what fine Italian footwear tastes like? Fraser: Thank you kindly. Vecchio: It's just I hear that it's the rainy season and I don't want to get all the way down there and get stuck in some kind of monsoon or something. Fraser: Ray, I thought you'd used up all your vacation time. Vecchio: No-no-no, this is not a vacation. This is a plum just waiting to be picked. You see, the district sends one detective from each division to go down to Miami to listen to some lecture on advanced weaponry and I plan to be said detective. Fraser: So it's assigned on the basis of merit? Vecchio: No it's assigned on the bases of who can suck up to it the most without making it obvious. [Vecchio knocks on Welsh's door] Cappuicino, sir? [walking to the bullpen] Louis: What do you think of this shirt? Huey: What? That? I think you'll look pretty silly in it sitting behind your desk while I'm in Florida. Louis: Sorry pal. With this little baby here is my ticket to fun in the sun. Ian: It's strange you guys mentioned Florida because my family has a home in the keys so if you want to use it, just let me know. Huey: Shut up. [to Louis] What have you got? Louis: What have you got? Huey: Orchestra seats to La BoHeMe. Louis: Eh, I'll send you a postcard. Huey: We'll see about that. [Welsh office] Welsh: So you really thought you could get this job by sucking up to me Detective. Vecchio: Oh no sir. A man of your considerable intelligence would see right through that sir. Welsh: Decaf? Vecchio: Uh, no sir. Welsh: Ah thanks anyway. Vecchio: No problem sir. I just happened to be passing the expresso bar on the way to work sir. [bullpen] Vecchio [to Fraser]: Where can I find an expresso bar in a ten block radius? Fraser: Well, there's a small one-- Vecchio: All right great. Huey: You got him real Cuban cigars? No way. How'd you get your hands on them? Louis: Let's just say one of the girls in the evidence room, she thinks I have sensitive eyes. Huey: Really. [they cuff Ian to the chair between two other prisoners then enter Welsh's office] Louis: A moment sir? Ian [to prisoner on his left]: I bet he's a goner. [giggles, then to prisoner on his right] All right come on man, I didn't mean it literally. Prisoner on left [to prisoner on right]: What you looking at? Prisoner on right [to prisoner on left]: What's your problem? [Welsh's office] Huey: It's just that I had these two tickets to the opera and I thought I might be out of town tomorrow night. Welsh: That's very generous of you. Louis: Do you smoke cigars sir? You're going to think this is a very strange coincidence but uh... Welsh: Cubans, Gardino. Louis: He he he. Welsh: You boys wouldn't be in any way trying to influence on my decision as to which officer makes that Miami-- Louis: No! Huey: Absolutely not sir. Welsh: Because uh, I make it a rule to disqualify any officer who gives me an expensive present of any sort in the last month. I mean just to avoid any appearances of inpropriaty, you understand. Louis: I have reason to suspect that these are uh...domestic sir. Welsh: Really? Louis: Yeah, where it says Havana? If you closely the ink is smudged. Huey: Actually the tickets are for the twentieth row, sir. Matinee. On the other hand, the cigars look real to me. [chair flies through Welsh's window] [bull pen, Ian has two chairs and is heading for the exit] Ian: Pardon me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Watch your back, watch your back. Thank you. Working man, coming through. I got a deadline. Welsh: Detective Huey and Gardino. Were you last transporting a prisoner for extradition? Louis: Ah yes sir, he's uh...I hate to say this sir but I believe my partner didn't handcuff him properly. Huey: Me? It's your cuffs you ferrot-faced little -- Vecchio [bring in the missing Ian]: Hey! Hey! You guys misplace something? Welsh: Detective Vecchio, have you caused a riot here this morning? Vecchio: Not that I'm aware of sir. Welsh: Good. Gardino, give him your shirt. Vecchio: Woooo! I'm going to Miami! [Vecchio's desk] Vecchio: I have two days to drive down there, one day at the lecture and two days to drive back that's five days out of which three I've got to spend on the beach! Fraser: Ray, Miami's one thousand, three hundred and eighty seven miles from here. That's twenty six hours driving time each way. Vecchio: Okay, so at a hundred and twenty miles an hour that's...13 hours Fraser: [on phone] Uh, yes, I need to fly to Detroit today and I will be transporting a prisoner. Vecchio: Fraser, you do not need to tell everybody everything. Fraser: Five days notice. Uh, no, I wasn't aware of that. All right. Well, thank you for your time. [hangs up. to Vecchio] Ray, do you think you can drop us at the train station on your way? [Vecchio smacks Ian's hand -- he was playing with the statue of liberty that Ray has on his desk] [train station] Ian: You know, you are wasting Canadian tax payers dollars. Okay? Cause you're going to get me there and they're gonna take one look at me and they're gonna say, 'You got the wrong guy.' and then they're going to let me go. Vecchio [to Ian]: Don't talk to him he's calculating. [to Fraser] Okay, so at ninty-five miles per hour, how long is that going to take? Fraser: I can't tell you that Ray, it would recklessly endanger the lives of thousands of motorists. Vecchio: Okay, So say ninety. Fraser: Good morning. Constable Benton Fraser RCMP. I called earlier to inquire about transporting a prisoner to Windsor, but your lines were busy. Clerk: You want to transport a prisoner? Ian: Wanted for train robbery, murder one and escape from maximum security prison. I won't be any trouble at all. Fraser: Well I can't very well gag him, Ray. Vecchio: Fraser, this man is not your problem. He's an accused felon and a compulsive liar. Ian: I am an innocent victim of circumstance. Vecchio [to Ian]: Shut up! [to Fraser] Know what your problem is Fraser? You can't go around compulsively telling people the truth. They just don't want to hear it. Ian: You see there I'd have to disagree with you. Vecchio: Shut up! Ian: Hey, Bank of Illinois. My dad owns that you know. Well, part owner. He orchestrated the whole deal, to tell the truth I mean, the Rockefellers started it but then he bought it. But I'm telling you something, that has been one Hell of an investment cause in the mid sixties there was a little bit of trouble there. But I tell you right now with the EC going on he's really doing well. Vecchio: Shut up! [in front of car rental place] Fraser: Well, I explained the situation to him and he was extremely helpful Vecchio: Did he rent you a car? Fraser: No, but he doesn't have any. Vecchio: What do you mean he doesn't have any? There's gotta be a hundred cars on this lot. Fraser: Unfortunately they're all reserved. I didn't realize Spiro Agnew's birthday was that widely celebrated. Also I thought it was in November. Ian: you know, my mother had an affair with Spiro Agnew but it was all hushed up which is why they won't let me in the Secret Service. [raining. outside the Vecchio house] Vecchio: This is a nineteen seventy one mint condition Buick Riviera. Fraser: You know Ray, you really don't have to do this. I'm sure I can find someone to lend me a car. Vecchio: How many people have we asked? Fraser: Well, uh, basically everyone I know. It does seem rather curious that they've all decided to leave town at exactly the same time. Fraser: It uses top octane fuel, 20 weight oil. Fraser: Ray, this is silly. How are you going to get to Florida. Vecchio: I'll fly. It'll be worth the six hundred bucks to get rid of you. Ian: Are you aware that the gas tank in this particular make of car explodes on impact? Vecchio: You want to ride in the trunk? Fraser: Ray, you know, I appreciate this offer, I really do but you have some kind of special bond with this vehicle. I'm not saying I understand it, but I do respect it. Vecchio: Shut up before I change my mind. Now, in the car and operation of this vehicle. There is one thing to remember and hold above all else, Never I repeat never use the lighter. Of all the original parts in this car, it was the most difficult to replace. It took me seven years to find that lighter. And since I've owned it? It's never been depressed. Fraser: Then how do you know it works? Vecchio: I know in my soul. Do not adjust the passenger seat, open up the glove box or use anything other than the preset radio buttons. Fraser: I'll take good care of your car, Ray. Ian: Don't worry about a thing. Really. Vecchio: One final piece of advice. The man sitting across from you is a felon. Ian: Accused! Accused! Vecchio: Do not trust him, do not talk to him, do not listen to him and most of all, do not think of him as a human being. Think of his as a parcel that needs to be delivered and you will be okay. Do you understand? Fraser: I'll do that Ray. Vecchio: Have a nice trip. Fraser: Thank you, Ray. Ian: Thanks. Bye bye. Fraser: Oh, uh, Ray? What's the best way to get to the I-90 from here? Ian: Oh don't worry, I know. I'll show you. [Ray has this look on his face. Eyes wide and 'I can't believe Fraser will listen to this guy'] Fraser: Thanks, Ray. Bye bye. [They leave, Ray walks up to his porch, and waits...they return] Fraser: Hi Ray. Vecchio: How far is it from Winsor to Miami? [loads his cases into the trunk] Fraser: Ray, this really isn't necessary. Vecchio: Just answer the question. Fraser: One thousand, three hundred and fourteen miles. Vecchio: Okay, we drop the guy off you take the bus back and I'm only four hours behind schedule. Fraser: Well not quite. Four hours and twenty minutes. Still have to pick up Diefenbaker. [near the Canadian border] Laurier: They left Chicago in the cops car. Green 1971 Buick Riviera. There's the plate number. Brock: They'll be taking the interstate. We should get to them before Battle Creek. [to Norman when he hands back the money] Thought I told you to pay him. Norman: I tried. He wouldn't take Canadian. [They drive off, you see the gas attendants legs hanging out of a door] What have we got left in the cooler. Laurier: The sandwiches are for later. Norman: Well can I have a pop? [on the road] Ian: My hands are cuffed behind me and I'm strapped to a seatbelt. What if we get into an accident? Vecchio: Shut up! Ian: I think we're lost. Are you sure know where we are? Vecchio: Yeah, halfway between freedom and incarceration. [to Fraser] You keep your eye on that map. I want a state by state count down until we get to Whinipeg. Fraser: Windsor. Vecchio: Yeah like there's a difference. Damn! I should have brought snow chains. Do we really got to cross the boarder? Fraser: Yes Ray. Although you know I imagine they'll have a dog sled at the bridge incase we should get stuck. [laughs, starting with an under the breath chuckle to himself] Vecchio: See? That's some kind of facetious Canadian humor. [Fraser is giggling] the kind of thing that must really knock em dead up around the bait house in New Foundland. Fraser: Sorry, Ray. [wipes tears from his eyes] Ian: [to Dief] Would you - back off! Get off me! [to Fraser] What is he? Deaf? Fraser: Yes. You know I think he feels sorry for you. He senses you're in some kind of trouble, he'd like to help. You see wolves have a very difficult time understanding incarceration. Ian [to Dief]: Undo my seat belt. Yeah! Fraser: But they do understand the law, don't they Diefenbaker? [whine] So, Ray, once you drop us off at Windsor, your trip to Miami should be fairly simple. You take highway 18 west toward Leamington then catch the ferry- Vecchio: Ferry! Ian: Is Florida on an island? Fraser: No. this is the shortest way across Lake Erie. You know you might want to call ahead for the shedual Vecchio: What's a shed-u-wa? Fraser: It's like a schedule. Ian: It's every hour on the half hour. Vecchio: I'll phone. Fraser: And then you get on the two fifty, travel nine hundred and nine kilometers- Vecchio: Kilometers? Look Fraser, when we cross the border you can start talking in Canadian. Until then, let's stick to English, okay? Fraser: You know Ray, actually it's quite simple. Converting kilometers to miles is simply multiplied by five-eighths so a hundred and nine kilometers is sixty eight and an eighth miles. Strictly speaking it's sixty seven point sixty nine miles, but still, the five eighths rule is very handy general guide. Ian: You know, I know the guy who invented kilometers. Fraser: And then from Milan, which parenthetically most people tend to mispronounce Mah-lan, you would stay on the 250 through Norwalk- Vecchio: I go south okay? That's all I need to know. I go south. Ian: I have to go to the bathroom. Vecchio: Well you can go in Canada. Fraser: Ray. Ian: Well I understand. You know my father use to hate to stop. I remember once driving through to a peace conference in Machupiccchu. Vecchio: Maybe, you know what McDonald? I don't think you ever had a father. Fraser: Were you driving from Ayacucho or from Cusco. Ian: Actually no. From Lima. Fraser: Ah. How fast are you going Ray? Vecchio: Not fast enough. Laurier: Could we go a little faster? Those kids in the bus were laughing at us. It's one of those little short buses. Brock: I think I'm already speeding. These stupid road signs. What's sixty times eight fifths? Norman and Laurier: Ninety six. [they pass the bus and Norman opens his coat and shows the kids his gun] [Vecchio, going too fast, almost rear ends a guy, swerves] Fraser: Sign [they almost hit it] Fraser: Ray, I think that was a state trooper traveling in the west bound lane. Vecchio: This is the U-S of A, Fraser, cops do not ticket other cops. Now just keep your eyes on the map. [to other drivers] Learn how to drive! Some people, huh? Fraser: Well perhaps they weren't expecting someone to come up behind them at roughly ninety three miles an hour Ray. Vecchio: Hey, isn't that what defensive driving is all about? Assuming the other guy is going to do something stupid? Ian: Oh! That did it. My kidneys are gone. We have to find a washroom. Vecchio: We don't have washrooms in America. We have restrooms. The minute I see a sign that says washroom, we'll pull over. [to Fraser] What are you doing? Vecchio: Well I-I thought I'd read that. Vecchio: That's the original manual! Do not open that! Fraser: You've never read this? Vecchio: No, I've never cracked it's spine. Ian: I cracked my spine once. Fraser: No ones listening to you and no one cares. Ian: Punctured my kidney, which is why I - Vecchio: Shut up! Which is why you need to shut up. We'll stop when we need gas. Ian: oh we'll stop before that. Vecchio: Wanna bet? [sirens] Vecchio [to cop who hands him a ticket]: Yeah, well you have a real nice day too. I'm starting to understand why people hate cops. Fraser: He's just doing his job, Ray. Ian: Is it too much to ask for a person to be allowed to relieve himself? Vecchio: Look, you and I both know you're stalling for time. If you really had to go you could have gone back there. I've already lost twenty minutes of pool time. We're not stopping. Ian: Is this the original upholstery? Cop: It's really quite simple to convert from miles to kilometers. You simply multiply by eight fifths. So the fifty-five mile limit obviously converts to eighty-eight kilometers per hour. Brock: I appreciate the warning officer. Cop: You folks have a nice trip. Brock: Thank you officer. Cop [to his partner in the car]: Nice folks Canadians. You hear such stories. [at bathroom gas station] Ian: It's not happening. There's too much pressure. Vecchio: Ya got ten seconds before I start pumping bullets through the door. Ian: This really isn't a condusive atmosphere for what I'm trying to accomplish here, okay? [Ian tries to go out the bathroom window, but finds Dief there and waiting so he crawls back in] Fraser [thru the door at Ian]: Perhaps if you tried running the water. Vecchio: Do you have helpful hints for everything? Ian: It's really not my fault. I've got a little bit [Dief barking and carrying on as Ian tries to escape out window] [Riv] Ian: You guys getting hungry? Vecchio: Forget it. Ian: Aw come on, I haven't eaten since the lockup. I know my rights. You have to feed me every six hours. Vecchio: Yeah, well it's only been five hours. Ian: Six. We past a time zone. Vecchio: That doesn't count. Fraser you tell him. Fraser: Well, actually Ray, the legal scholars seem to be fairly equally divided on this point. One argument extended to it's logical conclusion would provide if you were traveling west at a rate of speed high enough to cross one time zone every hour then you would never actually have to feed a prisoner. That is of course until you cross the international date line at which point you'd have to force the prisoner to immediately consume four meals. Now the contrary position. [restaurant] Vecchio: Alright, you got ten minutes to eat unless there's a time zone between here and the counter. Ian: I don't believe this. I've been looking for this place for fifteen years. My dad and I use to come here all the time. That's our booth. That was our booth. Right there. Vecchio: Yeah, well from now on we'll call this our counter. Grab a stool. Ian: This is it officer. Right here. I don't know how it happened really. I mean uh one second he was just fine the next thing you know his throat just closed up on him. I got lucky cause I just managed to puke it up all over the table. Look-look-look. Look. There's still pieces on the chair. Right there. Sir, take off your pants, you're sitting in evidence there. Fraser: Um, he's not telling the truth, no. We-we have no need for your pants. Perhaps I should follow them. Tell them there's no danger. Vecchio: Well send em a post card. Come on let's sit down and eat. [at waitress] Hello. Hello. Yo! Miss! Ian: This place hasn't changed a bit. See my dad was a sales rep so three, four times a year we had to go to South Bend. Vecchio [at waitress]: Oh miss. Excuse me, miss. Yo! Yo! Ian: We'd get here at the crack of dawn, by the time lunch came around, I'd be starving. And you know he'd always want to stop somewhere else, but I'd say no I wanted to wait till we get here because it's like out place. Fraser: Curious. If you'd taken the interstate I would have thought you'd be here in about five hours. Vecchio: Fraser, the man is lying, it's just another story. You want to do something useful? Walk by and tackle the waitress the next time she passes. [at waitress] Hey! Can we order here? Ian: They make the best pancakes in the world here. They use to have this turn table right in the middle of the table with six different types of syrup. Air conditioning blasting the syrup was always warm. Fraser: Odd. The windows face north. Waitress: You boys ready to order? Vecchio: No, let's go straight to the check. What's the fastest thing on the menu? Ian: I'll have the blueberry pancakes. Waitress: No pancakes. Ian: Of course you have pancakes. Waitress: You see pancakes on the menu? Vecchio: Right. Hamburgers all around. Ian: Look, do you think you could ask him to make me some pancakes? I used to come here when I was a kid. Waitress: Then you'll know we've never served pancakes. You want everything on them? Vecchio: Yeah. Ian: I hate pickles. Vecchio: Pick em off. Laurier: I'm telling it was Alaska. Norman: It wasn't Alaska, it was Nebraska. Laurier: It was Alaska. It was yellow and shaped like a Polar Bear and said 'Alaska'. Norman: Alaska is gold and blue. The Northwest territories is shaped like Brock: If you two don't shut up, I'm going to pull the car over and shoot you both. Norman: I got em. Brock: This better be Illinois plates on a Buick Riviera. Norman: Yeah. At the restaurant Brock: That's good, Norman. Nice work. Vecchio: You better eat that burger cause we're not stopping again. Ian: I had a hiding space down here. I used to pull out the baseboard and leave stuff there. You know, toy solders and marbles. Vecchio: Are you telling that story for my benefit? Cause A: I don't believe and B: I don't care. Ian: They must have fixed it. Fraser: I don't think this is the place you're looking for Ian. Ian: Yeah. Who cares, you know. Fraser: You remember when you said the syrup was always warm in the afternoon? That would indicate westerly facing windows which means the highway had to run north and south. The most direct route to South Bend would have been highway 12. Slower road, which would have put you past Hillsdale by approximately one o'clock. Now if I recall from the map correctly, that highway dips south about 60 miles west of that community. So actually Ian, I think you're off by about forty-five miles. Ian: Do you believe everything that people tell you? Huh? How do you get through a day? Vecchio: Did I tell you he was yanking your chain? Fraser: My mistake. Brock: You look after the car. [Dief barking at Norman who is going to look after the car] [Laurier and Brock enter the diner shooting, heading straight for the fleeing Cop, Mountie and Felon] Fraser: Go get the car Ray. [Who somehow gets out of the diner. Fraser and Ian go out the back door and into the waiting Riv. None of them notices the tracking device] [Riv] Vecchio: Are they coming? Fraser: I don't see them. Ian: Did you see that? They tried to kill me. Vecchio: Yeah, the bullets tipped me off. Brock: You got em? Norman: Just a second. [who puts on his seatbelt, then picks up the tracking device] Yeah, got em. Fraser: There should be a state police post in Battle Creek. Vecchio: Forget it! Fraser: Ray, we have to report this. Vecchio: Look, Fraser, there must have been a dozen people back at that road house. I guarantee that somebody called it in. If we go in there, they're going to keep us there for hours making out reports. Fraser: Ray, they open fired inside a restaurant. We can't weigh that against a couple hours driving time. Vecchio: Okay, here's what happens. We go in there they call Welsh. I don't get to go to Florida and you don't get your prisoner to Canada. Fraser: Still I-- Ian: I think I see them. Vecchio: Look we can't just pull off and start driving in circles looking for help. I mean who long do you think it'll take em to catch up to us. Fraser: Well if we keep going in a straight line, we aren't exactly going to be difficult to finds. Ian: Oh they are behind that truck. [Vecchio does some fancy maneuvers and gets off an on ramp] Norman: I think they turned right. Brock: Where. Norman: Back there. Vecchio: Alright, McDonald, you want to tell us who wants you dead excluding the immediate occupants of this car? Ian: You wouldn't believe me. Vecchio: That I believe. Ian: They're rogue Mounties. The RCMP doesn't want me to testify. Fraser: I don't think they can be Mounties, Ian. The man in the hat appears to be in his mid fifties so he would have had to join up when the height requirements were still in place and would have narrowly missed qualifying. Ian: His nick name is Stumps, he chased a guy through a lumber mill and lost 2 inches off his legs. Vecchio: Here. Don't slap him, shoot him. Ian: Alright. Fine. You want the truth? You hear about the Basque separatist movement? Vecchio: Next! Ian: Alright fine, here it is. Those guys are part of the Canadian mob. Vecchio: There's no such thing. Fraser: On the contrary, Ray, organized crime is a growing problem in Canada. Vecchio: Oh yeah, what are we talking about here? Conspiracy to commit jay walking? Organized littering? Ian: The guy in the hat? Danny the Bull Brock. One of his guys picked him up an accountant. He took him into an alley and shot him eight times. Vecchio: So is that one time with eight bullets or eight separate times? Because in America, after the third trip down the same alley, we start to get a little suspicious. Ian: I happened to be looking out my window into the alley. Vecchio: Yeah, what? All eight times? Ian: Hey, I saw him do it. So the cops found out and made me testify. Vecchio: And on the stand you - wait, don't tell me - you lied? Ian: Look, these guys can get you anywhere, okay? I was protected around the clock and I still managed to find a note under my pillow. So I fingered somebody else except he happened to be in jail at the time of the murder. Vecchio: Yeah and that was very entertaining so what's your next story? We're being pursued by plain clothed toreadors? Fraser: Ray, this road isn't on the map. Vecchio: We're going East. That's all I need to know. Alright, here's a little trick they don't teach you in drivers ed. [Norman hits the tracking device] Brock: Where are they? Where are they? Norman: I don't know. Brock: What do you mean you don't know. [stuck in mud] Ian: I was a driving instructor once. Vecchio: Shut up! Alright, you two rock back and forth when I gun the engine. [starts rocking his body back and forth like that will help] Ian: No, no, no, you're just digging yourself in deeper. Fraser: I'm afraid he's right Ray. [Fraser, Ray and Dief get out] Vecchio: Well, it looks worse than it really is. My shoe! Mother Nature just ate my shoe! Fraser: You want me to get it for you Ray? Vecchio: No. What I want is for us to get out of this ditch, drop this psychopath off and drown my sorrows in coconut milk. This is what I want, okay? This is what I really want. [Fraser unpacks a flip flop for Ray] Vecchio: Okay, you two push it out and I'll rock it out of here. Ian: You're taking me to jail and you expect me to help you out? I don't think so. Vecchio: Just get back there and push. Fraser: Well we can't actually make him do that Ray. Forced labor is against the Geneva Convention. Vecchio: Yeah, well somebody got to push it somebody got to drive. Now I've only got one shoe. Ian: I'll drive. Vecchio: To hell with you. Ian: Suit yourself. Fraser: Ray. Ray. Vecchio: [sigh] Alright, alright, we'll push it out. Ian: You expect me to drive like that? [Ray has handcuffed himself to Ian] Vecchio: Yeah but not too far. Alright. On three. Laurier: [smacking the tracking device] It's broken. Brock: Probably double backed. [Vecchio comes up from the mud. His face dripping with the stuff] Vecchio: I said three! Ian: My foot cramped. Alright. [Fraser is putting small branches under the wheel] Fraser: Oh! Ray look I think I found...[finds Rays shoe. Looks at Ray's mud covered face, at the shoe and adds the shoe to the pile under the wheel without telling Ray] Alright, I think we should have enough traction here. Vecchio: Okay, let's try it again on one. ONE! Okay, stop the car tough guy. Stop the car! Ian: I can't! I can't! My legs cramped up! Vecchio: Stop the car you slime-sucking toad. Ian: You better undo these things. Vecchio: You can go to hell! Fraser! Ian: Ow-ow-ow! My leg. [Ian accelerates enough that Ray can't keep up. He unhoos the cuffs] Vecchio: Damn. Fraser: They know where we are. [sees the tracking device] Vecchio: What? Fraser: There's a tracking device on the car. We don't get to him fast. They're going to kill him. Vecchio: It's not going to happen Fraser, cause I've got first dibs. [starts looking around] I'm going to find my shoe. Fraser: I found your shoe. [Ian tosses the cuffs out the window] Laurier: I got em. They're heading north. [walking along the mud road] Vecchio: Do you know how many mint condition 71 Buick Riviera's are left on the road? Almost none. This man stole something from me that is almost irreplaceable. Fraser: Easily identifiable which means he can't use the freeways. He knows Brock is after him. He has to assume we'll have put out an APB. His only option is to find someplace to hide till dusk and then travel by night. Vecchio: Oh that narrows down the search to every barn, garage or haystack in the greater Michigan area. Fraser: Every barn has a farmer Ray and every garage has an owner. Without time and friends, it's not that easy to find someplace to hide. He's wanted on both sides of the border by both sides of the law. He's got no where to run. Vecchio: He dents it, I'll kill him. Fraser: My father said something that's always stuck with me Ray. Vecchio: You father never shut up, did he? Fraser: He said a man with no future will always run to his past. Vecchio: And when did this come up Fraser, were you sitting around at breakfast when he came up with these things? Or did he come running into your room and just blurt them out? Fraser: Ray, there's no need to be sarcastic. Vecchio: No, I'm just curious. How did he work these things into everyday conversation. Did he say, 'son, did you see the size of that moose? And by the way, a man with no future will always run to his past? Fraser: Ray, I'm sorry about your shoe. I thought you didn't want it any more. Vecchio: You know what my father use to say? A man without a car is nothing. And I don't want to be nothing anymore Fraser. It's hard on my socks. Fraser: He went that way. Vecchio: Why? Does a man with no future always turn left? Fraser: No he's gone to find the pancake house. Vecchio: There is no pancake house. It's a lie, just like everything else that's come out of his mouth. Fraser: I don't think so Ray. People tell lies for a number of different reasons. Because they are ashamed, because they are insecure, sometimes because they are in trouble. But they always hope to gain something from their lie. Money, prestige, pity sometimes even freedom. His story about the pancake house, he stood nothing to gain by it. He told it because it's true. He let us see a little glimpse of who he really is then he got angry because we saw that. That pancake house exists. It's maybe the only place around here where he feels safe. I think he's gone to find it. Vecchio: I bet he used my lighter. [hitching while Fraser cleans his boots off] All right. Here we go. Wanda: Need a lift? Vecchio: Oh yes, Thank you. Wanda: Not you. Which way you going? Fraser: Oh well we're traveling together, ma'am. Wanda: Ditch him. Vecchio: I'll go without him.
Vecchio: See that? Women always judge you by your shoes.[ remember the Mountie just wiped his boots clean and Ray is in one shoe and one flip flop] Fraser: Well, I don't think she was sincere in her invitation Ray, I mean, how could a young woman possible be known by her first name in such a large city? Vecchio: Fraser, you father taught you nothing, you know that? Okay. Enough is enough. I'm the law and I need a lift. [stands in the middle of the road with his badge held high and a truck barreling down on him. Dief is laying at the side of the road watching] Fraser: [Sigh] Uh, Ray, I don't think he can possibly read your badge
from this distance.
Vecchio: Whoa!! [jumps to side of road, comes up with his gun pulled] Fraser: But I could be wrong. Vecchio: Well they can read this. Fraser: Ray, brandishing a weapon is not going to encourage motorists to come to our aid. Vecchio: Fraser, look at me, I have one shoe, I am covered in mud and I'm standing with a wolf and a guy dressed like who knows what? No one in their right mind is going to stop and give us a lift without the threat of deadly force. [Nice Canadian couple come to their aid] Brendan: You folks stranded eh? Vecchio: Canadian? Brendan: Go on eh? How'd you know? Fraser: Now we're officers of the law, sir and we're pursuing an escaped perjurer. We' very much appreciate a lift. Brendan: Well hop on in. Fraser: Thank you kindly. Vecchio: It's a sick country you have Fraser. [after Ray, Fraser and Dief get into the the car, Brendan pulls back onto the road. Brock almost runs into them, swerves around them] Brock: Damn Americans. They never signal. Laurier: They've turned. [they are tracking Ian in the Riv] Brock: Which way? Laurier: That way. Brock: I can't see when you point in the back seat. Laurier: Left. Brock: Here? Laurier: Yes, here. [Brock tries to turn but they end up in a ditch] Fraser: They're'll be a pancake house off of Highway 12 near Hillsdale. Brendan: Well we're headed for a mall right near there. Brenda: You have such wonderful malls in the states. Brendan: We mapped out the whole route on our home computer eh? Three states, six malls, one day. Brenda: Oh goodness would you look at that -- more stranded motorists with guns. Vecchio: Floor it buddy floor it! Brenda: America's just getting more violent all the time. Brendan: It's television eh? That's why I like our fine Canadian programming. [crooks trying to get car out of ditch] Norman: Jeeze. Cop: You guys need some help? [now at the abandoned pancake] You guys need a ride, we're coming right past here on the way back. Vecchio: Oh thanks, we'll be fine. Brenda: If you're ever in Sarnia drop by. Fraser: Thank you kindly. Vecchio [to the couple]: Thanks. [to Fraser] Fraser, If I'm ever in Sarnia shoot me with a big gun. There she is! [to the Riv while he ... well you get the idea] Oh baby. Oh baby. Oh baby, did he hurt you? Did he hurt you? [Fraser goes into the pancake house finds Ian sitting on the floor looking at 'kid' treasure] Ian: I didn't even see anything. Fraser: I'm sorry? Ian: In the alley. I was in my apartment. I just didn't look out my window. I didn't see anything. Didn't hear anything. Fraser: But you told the police you did. Ian: They came looking for witnesses. I was there when it happened so they said I must have seen something. I couldn't help myself. Look, look at this. I thought I'd stashed something valuable here. You know some money, some jewelry. Look at this junk. You know we would travel for hours to get here. He'd say maybe two words to me. Then we'd get here and he'd give me some money and tell me he'd be back. He left me here for hours. Sometimes overnight. You know the only reason he took me was so my mother wouldn't know he was cheating on her and she would always ask me what we did and where we went and he would tell me what to say. Now she had to be the most gullible person in the world. I mean I could have told her that we went to the moon and she would have believed me. Not too bright. She thought I was going to be somebody. I think she would be proud. What do you think? Fraser: Is that why you said you'd seen the murder? To be somebody? Ian: Look, I've just told you an amusing antidote. This is a very very sad story, my friend. Hoping maybe you'd feel sorry for me and let me go. You do have to appreciate the irony in the situation. I mean I tell a lie and say I saw Danny the Bull do it and I go free. I tell the truth that I saw absolutely nothing. And they're never going to believe me. I'll go to jail for perjury. That's the story of my life. Vecchio [crashing into the cafe with gun in hand]: Everybody down-down-down. [place is being blasted so he decides it's time to move out the back] Get up-get up-get up. Brock: Hey, Ian, come out here we want to talk to you. Vecchio: I think I got the windshield. Fraser: Every little bit helps Ray. Ian: We'll be dead but they'll have really poor visibility. Vecchio: Okay. I'll cover, you go out the backdoor and circle around. Ian: There is no backdoor. Vecchio: Yeah, like I'm suppose to believe that? Ian: You're right. I'm on their side. Vecchio: Okay, ideas? Fraser: The only access is the side and front windows and they have those covered. [bang, bang, bang goes Ray's gun] You know Ray, if you could lay down enough withering fire, I think I can make it to the car. Vecchio: I only got one bullet left. Fraser: That's all we're gonna need. Fraser: You'll have to get them to line up straight. No-no. When I was flipping through the service manual of your car, I discovered that your gas tank is only eleven inches from your rear fender. Vecchio: You opened my manual? Fraser: Only for three seconds. Now one bullet can penetrate the tank and spark an explosion. Ian: I was right? Vecchio: Yeah and if you're lucky you can take that information to the grave. Fraser: What we need to do is get the other two close enough to be hit by the explosion. Vecchio: But there's two guys behind their car. Why can't I just shoot it? Fraser: Well I didn't read their manual, Ray. Ian: I can get them to the car. Vecchio: Oh yeah, like we can trust you. Ian: Look I was just offering to help. If you don't want me to, fine. Vecchio: Oh, feeling a little remorse are we? A little guilt for leaving us stranded out in the middle of no where to freeze to death? Well it's too late pal. God could see right through your feeble attempts at redemption when you think the end is near. Trust me, it won't do you any good. Ian: You speaking from personal experience? Look, I haven't done a whole hell of a lot in my life that benefited anybody but myself and for once, I was going to do something for somebody else. Forget I mentioned it. Vecchio: Oh very poignant. I got tears in my eyes. The only problem is we both know if we let you out you cut a deal to let you go you get us killed. Fraser: I don't think so, Ray. I think we can trust him. Ian: No, you can't. Fraser: Yes, we can. Vecchio: No other way? Fraser: No. Although you know it may be easier if I shot your car. Vecchio: No-no-no. I can do it. No funny business or I miss the car and aim for you. Capish? Ian: Mr. Brock! It's Ian. How you doing? Okay, here's the deal. I come out with the car keys and you let me disappear. I just go, I don't testify, they tell their bosses I escaped and everybody goes away happy. Think you can live with that? Brock: Let me think about it. Dump him in his tracks. Okay, Ian. Fraser: As soon as they get close enough, dive for cover. He'll shoot. Ian: Okay, of course if you'd rather shoot the car as soon as I get out the door. Vecchio: Get out the door. Fraser: He's getting closer. Fraser: He's almost there. Vecchio: My hand is shaking. Fraser: Uh, Ray. (Ian runs and falls to ground] Right now would be quite a good time. [bang and the Riv explodes sending the bad guys flying though the air] Fraser [to Ian]: You all right? Ian: Yeah, yeah, I used to be a stuntman for awhile. [back in Brendan's car, the three bad guys, Ray, Fraser and Ian] Fraser: Just stop at customs, I'll explain the situation. Brendan: Ya we do this all the time. Fraser: Just let me- Brendan: Nothing to declare. Fraser: Well - we - well as a matter of fact- [they are waved on through, the roof rack is loaded with goods and the car has eight people crammed in it. the customs guy looks at the two people in the next car] Customs guy: Get out of the car please. [at a diner Ray is on the phone to Welsh] Vecchio: Well they think there was a short in the electrical system. Uh, no, I'm fine sir. Well it may take sometime to find some of the parts, sir. [he looks at the lighter in his hand] Yeah. Thank you. [back at table to Fraser] He's sending Elaine to Miami. Fraser: I'm so sorry Ray. Norman: Would it be against the law to get us a cruller? Fraser: Trying to decide what you're going to do? Ian: Between lying and going to jail? It's a tough one. Fraser: It is actually. You can keep deceiving people so they think you are somebody or you can be somebody. Ian: Everybody needs to be somebody sometime. Fraser: There was a person your mother thought you could be. What do you think he'd do? Cop [just entered. slaps Fraser on back]: You have any trouble with him? Fraser: No. Cop [to Ian]: Okay, let's get on the road then. Ian: See you in a few years. Cop: What's the quickest way to get back on the highway? Ian: Oh, don't worry, I'll show you. Make a left. [Bad guys, Fraser and Ray lined up at side of road. Ray has his thumb out] Fraser: Ray, I think we should have turned him over to the Canadian authorities. Vecchio: Hey, if they want him they can dig him out of an American jail. Cone on! Stick out your thumbs. [crooks put out their thumbs] Fraser: You're sure all the rental cars were taken? Vecchio: Hey don't blame me, I never heard of your Maple syrup day. [cop car goes with Ian in it] Ian: I'm sure it's this way. Make a left. No. I got it. Straight ahead, straight ahead. End |